well, it has been far too long since i have posted. almost two months. i just didnt want to post in sadness or anger AGAIN!
in june i lost my job and was unemployed for a little over a month. it was the worst! i tried to stay positive and not become depressed. soon enough i was getting phone calls for interviews. strangely, jobs i was highly qualified for were not calling me back and i was getting restless. finally in the second week of july, i was hired into a merchandising company and i couldnt be happier. im loving the job and my boss (just wish i had some more hours!)
currently, im stuck in Massachusetts. I flew up here to attend one of my best friend's weddings which was scheduled for tomorrow morning. Due to Hurricane Irene, the wedding was actually cancelled and they will be rescheduling the day. Because of this, he and his fiance decided to marry in front of close family and very few friends at their rehearsal dinner! it was an exciting and spur-of-the-moment thing to do... and as you can imagine, it wasnt exactly seamless! the bride was absolutely stunning and i was so happy to be there for my friend. not a part of the wedding party, this change of plans allowed me to be included and involved in a way that would not have been possible. i help set up flowers and fix the runner, and get flowers for bridesmaids and bride and take photos of the event.
im assuming on the day of the rescheduled wedding that all of the vendors involved will do their thing; photographer, caterer, videographer, and whomever else. it will probably make the pictures i took seem amateur and unneeded. though, its nice to have photos from the REAL nuptials and not just the repeat.
anyways, Hurricane Irene is due to pass through sometime tomorrow, causing flooding rains and possibly some downed trees. the flight i scheduled to return home on monday was cancelled so now im stuck here for an extra day. its not THAT big of a deal and im happy to be able to see my niece and nephews but i miss my daughter and my boyfriend. i just want to say how much i love my boyfriend. he is so great and wonderful and i am so very lucky to have him as a part of my life. i hope he feels the same!
i guess i dont really have too much to talk about at this point in time. im kinda bored and a little bit lonely, even though i just played some rockband with my mom and sister.
i think i might watch a movie while laying in bed... and catch up on my Words with Friends!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Financial Stress!
I hate writing when I’m frustrated or angry. I don’t like to think that I only have something to say when I’m upset. In any case, right now I’m feeling somewhat stressed about money. Child support in particular.
Recently, Riley’s dad and I went down to child support because they withheld his tax return, claiming that he owed me money. Everything between Kenny and I financially has been settled and even, so this was confusing. We signed a paper stating that he did not owe me this money etc. A few days later, I get a letter in the mail from child support enforcement claiming that they have found in their records that they overpaid me somewhere around $1400 LAST APRIL! And now they are requesting/demanding that I repay this amount! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
I called Kenny to let him know what the heck was going on and he basically agreed that I do not owe him anything and that we are on the same page- everything is even and up to date and no one owes anyone anything. He did also say that if I had to repay anything in any way that he would give it back to me. All he cared about was getting the $3000 from the EAC on my taxes, which I had already agreed to give him.
It is just soooo frustrating to have something like this happen. And on top of that, just the thought that they are that fucking unorganized to think I was overpaid in such a large sum of money. As a struggling single mother, the idea of having to pay that kind of money BACK is even more angering!
I am hoping that by contacting them and getting something signed also by Kenny stating that I do not owe him anything will solve and clear it all up. It will be even more annoying to have to have money withheld from my child support, only to have him give it back to me. UGH!
OH and I haven’t mentioned that I’m also getting collection letters from some company named Stephen Michaels & Associates claiming I have a bill in collections with them from the hospital when I had conjunctivitis. This is complete and utter BULLSHIT because Medicaid paid that bill 3 months after the date of service. Neither the hospital nor the ER doctor sent my bill into collections, as I have asked for itemized bills with proof that the sum had been paid.
So I guess my next step is to demand that this company send me proof that I owe this debt and provide me with information on the date of service and total cost etc. GRRRRR… these things are so stressful!
I also need to go back to the health department for a physical and other check up things AND I need to reapply for food stamps which I don’t think I’m going to qualify for anymore. I had worked a lot more these past few months because of how short staffed we are and that has changed a lot and is going to stay the way it is for a while. So now I’m going to be penalized with the amount of money I’ll receive because I had a few good months :( Argh.
Ok I guess that’s enough of me complaining for tonight!
Recently, Riley’s dad and I went down to child support because they withheld his tax return, claiming that he owed me money. Everything between Kenny and I financially has been settled and even, so this was confusing. We signed a paper stating that he did not owe me this money etc. A few days later, I get a letter in the mail from child support enforcement claiming that they have found in their records that they overpaid me somewhere around $1400 LAST APRIL! And now they are requesting/demanding that I repay this amount! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
I called Kenny to let him know what the heck was going on and he basically agreed that I do not owe him anything and that we are on the same page- everything is even and up to date and no one owes anyone anything. He did also say that if I had to repay anything in any way that he would give it back to me. All he cared about was getting the $3000 from the EAC on my taxes, which I had already agreed to give him.
It is just soooo frustrating to have something like this happen. And on top of that, just the thought that they are that fucking unorganized to think I was overpaid in such a large sum of money. As a struggling single mother, the idea of having to pay that kind of money BACK is even more angering!
I am hoping that by contacting them and getting something signed also by Kenny stating that I do not owe him anything will solve and clear it all up. It will be even more annoying to have to have money withheld from my child support, only to have him give it back to me. UGH!
OH and I haven’t mentioned that I’m also getting collection letters from some company named Stephen Michaels & Associates claiming I have a bill in collections with them from the hospital when I had conjunctivitis. This is complete and utter BULLSHIT because Medicaid paid that bill 3 months after the date of service. Neither the hospital nor the ER doctor sent my bill into collections, as I have asked for itemized bills with proof that the sum had been paid.
So I guess my next step is to demand that this company send me proof that I owe this debt and provide me with information on the date of service and total cost etc. GRRRRR… these things are so stressful!
I also need to go back to the health department for a physical and other check up things AND I need to reapply for food stamps which I don’t think I’m going to qualify for anymore. I had worked a lot more these past few months because of how short staffed we are and that has changed a lot and is going to stay the way it is for a while. So now I’m going to be penalized with the amount of money I’ll receive because I had a few good months :( Argh.
Ok I guess that’s enough of me complaining for tonight!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
love coward
i was writing this the other day just to get it out and debated whether or not i wanted to actually post it as a blog. im still not sure it's the best idea... but it is my blog and i do have a right to say whatever the fuck i wanna say. dont i? well, here it is.
i was watching tv the other day and there was a wedding scene where the bride comes to the balcony before going to the stairs she is to walk down. it pans back to the groom and there are tears welling up in the corners of his eyes and i thought for a moment, "wow, what would it feel like to be loved like that? to be loved in such a way that it makes someone physically emotional." it wasnt a fake movie scene, it was two real people and their wedding. it was real life, real love.
i dont dwell on these such things because in reality, i dont feel like im anywhere ready to get married to anyone. but the idea of one day having that, well, its something i do want. it made me think about how i have the capacity to love someone like that. right now, i care about someone very much and i do feel like i love them. for me the issue is that i feel unable to tell them. more, its simply not being able to say the words, "i love you."
i would like to, every day, say "i love you" and know that it was okay. okay to feel that love, okay to say it. It's actually quite painful to feel something and feel like you have to conceal it. I have a hard time believing this man doesnt KNOW that i love him. He would seriously have to be a complete idiot. but it's not enough to just know; not to me. it means so much more to be able to say it and to hear it and to know it.
i am a very expressive person. ive always been extremely caring and fully capable of showing people how i feel about them, good or bad. even now, im sitting here across from this man that i love and im DEBATING inside of my mind if i can tell him that i love him! do i have the guts to open my mouth and speak? i dont. i really do not; and i hate it.
it feels so stupid and should be so easy. why am i so afraid? i really believe it is fear that keeps my lips sealed and my feelings inside of me. im afraid of losing him. im afraid that loving him will scare the shit out of him. i think that by not saying it and just assuming he knows is so much safer. but then i have to consider that if i fear losing someone because i care about them deeply, is this person really worth it?
another sad part for me is i am left to wonder if I'M loved. it isnt a good feeling to be unsure of how someone feels about you. sometimes i FEEL loved but it doesnt compete with hearing it, knowing it for sure. i do want to be told, "cort, i love you." i dont know why that seems so important. can you imagine being with someone almost every day and never hearing "i love you?" what if something happened to them or you... and you die wondering or not knowing with certainty that you were actually LOVED; not just cared for.
maybe im making too big a deal of it all. but maybe im not. i guess i dont really know. all i know is that id rather not be a coward but i dont know how not to be.
i dont dwell on these such things because in reality, i dont feel like im anywhere ready to get married to anyone. but the idea of one day having that, well, its something i do want. it made me think about how i have the capacity to love someone like that. right now, i care about someone very much and i do feel like i love them. for me the issue is that i feel unable to tell them. more, its simply not being able to say the words, "i love you."
i would like to, every day, say "i love you" and know that it was okay. okay to feel that love, okay to say it. It's actually quite painful to feel something and feel like you have to conceal it. I have a hard time believing this man doesnt KNOW that i love him. He would seriously have to be a complete idiot. but it's not enough to just know; not to me. it means so much more to be able to say it and to hear it and to know it.
i am a very expressive person. ive always been extremely caring and fully capable of showing people how i feel about them, good or bad. even now, im sitting here across from this man that i love and im DEBATING inside of my mind if i can tell him that i love him! do i have the guts to open my mouth and speak? i dont. i really do not; and i hate it.
it feels so stupid and should be so easy. why am i so afraid? i really believe it is fear that keeps my lips sealed and my feelings inside of me. im afraid of losing him. im afraid that loving him will scare the shit out of him. i think that by not saying it and just assuming he knows is so much safer. but then i have to consider that if i fear losing someone because i care about them deeply, is this person really worth it?
another sad part for me is i am left to wonder if I'M loved. it isnt a good feeling to be unsure of how someone feels about you. sometimes i FEEL loved but it doesnt compete with hearing it, knowing it for sure. i do want to be told, "cort, i love you." i dont know why that seems so important. can you imagine being with someone almost every day and never hearing "i love you?" what if something happened to them or you... and you die wondering or not knowing with certainty that you were actually LOVED; not just cared for.
maybe im making too big a deal of it all. but maybe im not. i guess i dont really know. all i know is that id rather not be a coward but i dont know how not to be.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
i hate old bitches who cant drive
ok so im a little pissed off. back in march, literally like a month after i bought my car, i was in the wal-mart parking lot getting ready to leave. i was parked to the right of a very large truck in one of those parking rows that have two ways. i was parked in the right row, driving away from the wal-mart store and started to back out... i looked all around me and proceeded to back out. as soon as i had stopped and turned my head to look in front of me and just as i was shifting into drive, i hear a nice loud SMACK!
there is a fucking old lady in a topless sebring with the right ass-end of her car pretty much IN my taillight. im thinking, are you fucking kidding me? where did this bitch COME FROM!? she pulls into a spot on the opposite side of the aisle, where she SHOULD have been driving in the direction TOWARDS the wal-mart store to park there. or maybe she was backing out of there?!?! i have no IDEA!!
the only situation that makes any sense as to what happened is this: i was backing out of my spot, this woman was approaching my vehicle from behind, sees a parking spot on the opposite side of the aisle and tries to speedily get into the spot before i fully pull out. Im the most pissed because I WASNT EVEN MOVING WHEN SHE HIT ME! so she tries this maneuver... OR she backed her car out into me, i have no clue. because she was nowhere to be found when i was backing out.
we get out of our cars and im pretty shocked, my entire taillight is fucked up and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her car. im pissed because i just bought my car and i cant believe it. she proceeds to tell me that shes going to call the cops because shes been in accidents (multiple accidents) before where the other driver did not have insurance... i have NEVER been in a car accident before... let alone an accident involving another driver. im pissed because im giving her all my insurance information and now i have to wait for police to arrive. i felt bad for jose because this was all during his lunch break but thankful because he witnessed the entire thing.
when the cop shows up we explain what happened and i mention to him that she might have been driving behind me and decides to basically bust a U-ey to get into the opposite spot. i ask him what the "rules" on this are because this just tells me that this fucking lady is an inconsiderate and shitty driver... who the hell speeds into an opposite parking space when there is someone fucking backing out in front of you... how does she not see me stopped in the middle of the lane??? i was parked aside a very large truck and i dont back out of spaces like speedy gonzalez. this can not have been my fault. there is no way.
the officer writes up the report and basically says that no one is getting a ticket or arrested or anything because no one is "at fault." whatever. im pissed about my taillight but figure rather than getting my insurance involved to pay for it, ill just take care of it when i can.
over the past month or so i have been getting random notices in the mail from some subrogation firm requesting i pay damages of $1500... are you fucking kidding me!?!? im the one with a broken taillight and damage to my car... this lady had not a scratch on her fucking vehicle and she sure as hell didnt require medical attention. she even went shopping after the cop left! what the FUCK is going on?! im not paying anyone fucking anything... especially when i didn't do anything wrong! i did everything you're supposed to do. i have a witness and her driving is BULLSHIT. where the hell does $1500 in damages even come from? and what the hell gives her or her insurance the right to try to make me pay for something that A) wasnt my fault and B) wasnt even damaged! i just dont get it. its not right and its not fair. it makes NO sense.
i needed to vent. I'm just so upset about this. nothing like this has EVER happened to me and im wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else. i sent my necessary insurance information to this company when they first asked for it months ago but now im getting more notices... bottom line is im not paying for something that wasnt damaged and that i didnt damage! UGH!
there is a fucking old lady in a topless sebring with the right ass-end of her car pretty much IN my taillight. im thinking, are you fucking kidding me? where did this bitch COME FROM!? she pulls into a spot on the opposite side of the aisle, where she SHOULD have been driving in the direction TOWARDS the wal-mart store to park there. or maybe she was backing out of there?!?! i have no IDEA!!
the only situation that makes any sense as to what happened is this: i was backing out of my spot, this woman was approaching my vehicle from behind, sees a parking spot on the opposite side of the aisle and tries to speedily get into the spot before i fully pull out. Im the most pissed because I WASNT EVEN MOVING WHEN SHE HIT ME! so she tries this maneuver... OR she backed her car out into me, i have no clue. because she was nowhere to be found when i was backing out.
we get out of our cars and im pretty shocked, my entire taillight is fucked up and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her car. im pissed because i just bought my car and i cant believe it. she proceeds to tell me that shes going to call the cops because shes been in accidents (multiple accidents) before where the other driver did not have insurance... i have NEVER been in a car accident before... let alone an accident involving another driver. im pissed because im giving her all my insurance information and now i have to wait for police to arrive. i felt bad for jose because this was all during his lunch break but thankful because he witnessed the entire thing.
when the cop shows up we explain what happened and i mention to him that she might have been driving behind me and decides to basically bust a U-ey to get into the opposite spot. i ask him what the "rules" on this are because this just tells me that this fucking lady is an inconsiderate and shitty driver... who the hell speeds into an opposite parking space when there is someone fucking backing out in front of you... how does she not see me stopped in the middle of the lane??? i was parked aside a very large truck and i dont back out of spaces like speedy gonzalez. this can not have been my fault. there is no way.
the officer writes up the report and basically says that no one is getting a ticket or arrested or anything because no one is "at fault." whatever. im pissed about my taillight but figure rather than getting my insurance involved to pay for it, ill just take care of it when i can.
over the past month or so i have been getting random notices in the mail from some subrogation firm requesting i pay damages of $1500... are you fucking kidding me!?!? im the one with a broken taillight and damage to my car... this lady had not a scratch on her fucking vehicle and she sure as hell didnt require medical attention. she even went shopping after the cop left! what the FUCK is going on?! im not paying anyone fucking anything... especially when i didn't do anything wrong! i did everything you're supposed to do. i have a witness and her driving is BULLSHIT. where the hell does $1500 in damages even come from? and what the hell gives her or her insurance the right to try to make me pay for something that A) wasnt my fault and B) wasnt even damaged! i just dont get it. its not right and its not fair. it makes NO sense.
i needed to vent. I'm just so upset about this. nothing like this has EVER happened to me and im wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else. i sent my necessary insurance information to this company when they first asked for it months ago but now im getting more notices... bottom line is im not paying for something that wasnt damaged and that i didnt damage! UGH!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
manipulated once again
I don’t understand how I can be a 25 year old single mother living on my own and still feel like someone is always telling me what I can and can not do. Its frustrating having to compromise the things I either want or need so that I don’t make someone else angry. Riley’s father is so incredibly manipulative and controlling. For some reason he seems to think that his activities (tennis mostly; which he plays anywhere from 1 to 3 times a week) are so much more important than my own. If he isn’t PLAYING tennis then he is hanging out at the tennis courts, dragging Riley along with him pretty much every time.
As of late I haven’t been able to tend many, if any at all, of my Zumba classes. I have been going to Zumba since probably around December of last year. I was introduced to it by Jose’s sister Marisol, and I attended classes basically every Tuesday and Thursday when I could get out of work on time. This never conflicted with Kenny’s ridiculous amounts of tennis. He somehow now seems to think that he’s been playing tennis every Tuesday since before I left him. People, that is OVER 3 YEARS AGO! He tells me that, “you’re Zumba is on Thursdays. I play tennis on Tuesdays.” I can’t help but to think, “when in the hell did you start to fucking dictate my life and tell me on which days I am to exercise!?”
It isn’t just the Zumba. This man literally wants to control every aspect of everything that has anything remotely close to do with something that might affect him. He wants to tell me what time I should get out of work. He wants to tell me to work 5 days a week. He wants to tell me I should go back to school. He wants to tell me who I should date and even then, he will hate every man I attempt a relationship with. WHEN THE HELL IS IT EVER GOING TO END?
Currently, Kenny is dating a woman named Lori. As far as I know they are dating, and I couldn’t care one bit about it. My only concern is whether or not this woman is good to my daughter. Why the hell would I care about anything other than that?
If I had known that having a child with someone would mean that they somehow had CONTROL over my every day fucking life, I would have been more cautious going into this! Why is HE not affected by my distaste for how much tennis he plays or how often he goes out and gets shit-faced? Why does it not work if I just simply say THIS IS WHAT I AM DOING AND THAT IS THE WAY IT IS? Why doesn’t HE bend over backwards not to piss ME off? I always fold, and change what I’m doing for my daughter. At least it feels that way. Sometimes I try incredibly hard to stand my ground and be firm with what I say I’m going to do. But then I just know that I’m going to have to deal with him yelling and screaming and telling me how much I DON’T love my child. IT’S ANGERING!
What would you do? Would you continue to basically let someone else run your life for the sake of your child or being accused that you don’t CARE about your kid?! I continually just do whatever Kenny wants to avoid his bullshit. I know I need to manage and dictate my own life and schedule… but how do I do that and avoid all the crap that comes with it? Any advice or insight would be appreciated!
Thanks for reading!
As of late I haven’t been able to tend many, if any at all, of my Zumba classes. I have been going to Zumba since probably around December of last year. I was introduced to it by Jose’s sister Marisol, and I attended classes basically every Tuesday and Thursday when I could get out of work on time. This never conflicted with Kenny’s ridiculous amounts of tennis. He somehow now seems to think that he’s been playing tennis every Tuesday since before I left him. People, that is OVER 3 YEARS AGO! He tells me that, “you’re Zumba is on Thursdays. I play tennis on Tuesdays.” I can’t help but to think, “when in the hell did you start to fucking dictate my life and tell me on which days I am to exercise!?”
It isn’t just the Zumba. This man literally wants to control every aspect of everything that has anything remotely close to do with something that might affect him. He wants to tell me what time I should get out of work. He wants to tell me to work 5 days a week. He wants to tell me I should go back to school. He wants to tell me who I should date and even then, he will hate every man I attempt a relationship with. WHEN THE HELL IS IT EVER GOING TO END?
Currently, Kenny is dating a woman named Lori. As far as I know they are dating, and I couldn’t care one bit about it. My only concern is whether or not this woman is good to my daughter. Why the hell would I care about anything other than that?
If I had known that having a child with someone would mean that they somehow had CONTROL over my every day fucking life, I would have been more cautious going into this! Why is HE not affected by my distaste for how much tennis he plays or how often he goes out and gets shit-faced? Why does it not work if I just simply say THIS IS WHAT I AM DOING AND THAT IS THE WAY IT IS? Why doesn’t HE bend over backwards not to piss ME off? I always fold, and change what I’m doing for my daughter. At least it feels that way. Sometimes I try incredibly hard to stand my ground and be firm with what I say I’m going to do. But then I just know that I’m going to have to deal with him yelling and screaming and telling me how much I DON’T love my child. IT’S ANGERING!
What would you do? Would you continue to basically let someone else run your life for the sake of your child or being accused that you don’t CARE about your kid?! I continually just do whatever Kenny wants to avoid his bullshit. I know I need to manage and dictate my own life and schedule… but how do I do that and avoid all the crap that comes with it? Any advice or insight would be appreciated!
Thanks for reading!
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