love coward

i was writing this the other day just to get it out and debated whether or not i wanted to actually post it as a blog. im still not sure it's the best idea... but it is my blog and i do have a right to say whatever the fuck i wanna say. dont i? well, here it is.

i was watching tv the other day and there was a wedding scene where the bride comes to the balcony before going to the stairs she is to walk down. it pans back to the groom and there are tears welling up in the corners of his eyes and i thought for a moment, "wow, what would it feel like to be loved like that? to be loved in such a way that it makes someone physically emotional." it wasnt a fake movie scene, it was two real people and their wedding. it was real life, real love.

i dont dwell on these such things because in reality, i dont feel like im anywhere ready to get married to anyone. but the idea of one day having that, well, its something i do want. it made me think about how i have the capacity to love someone like that. right now, i care about someone very much and i do feel like i love them. for me the issue is that i feel unable to tell them. more, its simply not being able to say the words, "i love you."

i would like to, every day, say "i love you" and know that it was okay. okay to feel that love, okay to say it. It's actually quite painful to feel something and feel like you have to conceal it. I have a hard time believing this man doesnt KNOW that i love him. He would seriously have to be a complete idiot. but it's not enough to just know; not to me. it means so much more to be able to say it and to hear it and to know it.

i am a very expressive person. ive always been extremely caring and fully capable of showing people how i feel about them, good or bad. even now, im sitting here across from this man that i love and im DEBATING inside of my mind if i can tell him that i love him! do i have the guts to open my mouth and speak? i dont. i really do not; and i hate it.

it feels so stupid and should be so easy. why am i so afraid? i really believe it is fear that keeps my lips sealed and my feelings inside of me. im afraid of losing him. im afraid that loving him will scare the shit out of him. i think that by not saying it and just assuming he knows is so much safer. but then i have to consider that if i fear losing someone because i care about them deeply, is this person really worth it?

another sad part for me is i am left to wonder if I'M loved. it isnt a good feeling to be unsure of how someone feels about you. sometimes i FEEL loved but it doesnt compete with hearing it, knowing it for sure. i do want to be told, "cort, i love you." i dont know why that seems so important. can you imagine being with someone almost every day and never hearing "i love you?" what if something happened to them or you... and you die wondering or not knowing with certainty that you were actually LOVED; not just cared for.

maybe im making too big a deal of it all. but maybe im not. i guess i dont really know. all i know is that id rather not be a coward but i dont know how not to be.

i hate old bitches who cant drive

ok so im a little pissed off. back in march, literally like a month after i bought my car, i was in the wal-mart parking lot getting ready to leave. i was parked to the right of a very large truck in one of those parking rows that have two ways. i was parked in the right row, driving away from the wal-mart store and started to back out... i looked all around me and proceeded to back out. as soon as i had stopped and turned my head to look in front of me and just as i was shifting into drive, i hear a nice loud SMACK!

there is a fucking old lady in a topless sebring with the right ass-end of her car pretty much IN my taillight. im thinking, are you fucking kidding me? where did this bitch COME FROM!? she pulls into a spot on the opposite side of the aisle, where she SHOULD have been driving in the direction TOWARDS the wal-mart store to park there. or maybe she was backing out of there?!?! i have no IDEA!!

the only situation that makes any sense as to what happened is this: i was backing out of my spot, this woman was approaching my vehicle from behind, sees a parking spot on the opposite side of the aisle and tries to speedily get into the spot before i fully pull out. Im the most pissed because I WASNT EVEN MOVING WHEN SHE HIT ME! so she tries this maneuver... OR she backed her car out into me, i have no clue. because she was nowhere to be found when i was backing out.

we get out of our cars and im pretty shocked, my entire taillight is fucked up and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her car. im pissed because i just bought my car and i cant believe it. she proceeds to tell me that shes going to call the cops because shes been in accidents (multiple accidents) before where the other driver did not have insurance... i have NEVER been in a car accident before... let alone an accident involving another driver. im pissed because im giving her all my insurance information and now i have to wait for police to arrive. i felt bad for jose because this was all during his lunch break but thankful because he witnessed the entire thing.

when the cop shows up we explain what happened and i mention to him that she might have been driving behind me and decides to basically bust a U-ey to get into the opposite spot. i ask him what the "rules" on this are because this just tells me that this fucking lady is an inconsiderate and shitty driver... who the hell speeds into an opposite parking space when there is someone fucking backing out in front of you... how does she not see me stopped in the middle of the lane??? i was parked aside a very large truck and i dont back out of spaces like speedy gonzalez. this can not have been my fault. there is no way.

the officer writes up the report and basically says that no one is getting a ticket or arrested or anything because no one is "at fault." whatever. im pissed about my taillight but figure rather than getting my insurance involved to pay for it, ill just take care of it when i can.

over the past month or so i have been getting random notices in the mail from some subrogation firm requesting i pay damages of $1500... are you fucking kidding me!?!? im the one with a broken taillight and damage to my car... this lady had not a scratch on her fucking vehicle and she sure as hell didnt require medical attention. she even went shopping after the cop left! what the FUCK is going on?! im not paying anyone fucking anything... especially when i didn't do anything wrong! i did everything you're supposed to do. i have a witness and her driving is BULLSHIT. where the hell does $1500 in damages even come from? and what the hell gives her or her insurance the right to try to make me pay for something that A) wasnt my fault and B) wasnt even damaged! i just dont get it. its not right and its not fair. it makes NO sense.

i needed to vent. I'm just so upset about this. nothing like this has EVER happened to me and im wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else. i sent my necessary insurance information to this company when they first asked for it months ago but now im getting more notices... bottom line is im not paying for something that wasnt damaged and that i didnt damage! UGH!