Nick

Growing up, my brother and I were pretty close. We were pretty much best friends. As kids we did everything together. We played with the same neighborhood friends and had fun doing the same stuff. We used to build forts, make mud stew, play sports, ride bikes, pretend to be Rambo (and Rambina) or Power Rangers, and get in lots of trouble. We even took turns taking the blame for shit. We knew that we were probably gonna get busted so we had to decide beforehand whose turn it was to take the heat.

My dad used to have this yellow construction string that he used for stuff. It was pretty expensive and he kept it out in his garage. If it was in his garage, it was probably expensive and you probably shouldn’t fuck with it… but we stole it one day and decided it would be awesome to make a huge spider web by tying it to random everything in my brother’s room. It was awesome! We got in trouble of course but I have no idea who took the blame on that one.

We obviously fought and argued like any brother and sister would but we always ended up making up and then doing other crazy shit together.

One of our favorite things to do was take our sectional couch and push it together to make a square. This was our wrestling and fighting arena and it was the best. It was also the base to our fort-making and where we would eat many bags of popcorn and chips dipped in ketchup and millions of bagels with cream cheese. We once had this kick where we would dip pepperoni into pizza sauce. Until we spilled sauce on the rug and begged our mom not to tell our dad because he would probably beat us. We even blew up the glass plate in the microwave because we thought it would be a better idea to cook two bags of popcorn at the same time… These were also the days of our food inventions. One of the only ones I can remember consisted of spoonfuls of fluff, peanut butter, a mashed banana, and some chocolate syrup. I remember it because I make it still to this day for my daughter (who am I kidding, and for me!)

Those were good times. We got older and moved to a new state and I don’t really know how or why anymore but we kinda stopped being friends. I would sometimes spend a few hours hanging out with him while he played computer games, cheering him on. That was all good and fine. But then, for some reason, he started to hate me. To my recollection I never stole from him (I was a classic klepto as a teen. I would take shit from my sisters regularly and swear up and down that I didn’t) or did anything in particular to cause this, but he hated me.

I always wished that that were different. I really love my brother. I even wrote an essay about him in college. It was one of the few times we got along after we moved and it was about building an igloo with him one winter. But still to this day, the kid pretty much hates me. Or he just has no interest in being my friend anymore. Its really sad and it makes ME really sad. I’m interested in his life and where he’s going or what he wants to do. And I want the best for him. I miss having a little brother. When I moved back to Florida, I lost all my chances for making things right with him and I realize that now at 27, I’ll probably never have the opportunity at the kind of friendship with him I wish I had. It sucks.

Riley is his first niece. He has 3 other niece and nephews by my second sister and from what I hear he’s a really good uncle. We are missing out on that. Riley is missing out on that and it‘s disappointing. I feel like my brother would never give me the chance or the time of day to rebuild our relationship. He doesn’t answer my texts so I never bother to call. That was supposed to be my lifelong buddy! He makes me feel like I suck. I did something so terrible that I can never take it away and I don’t even know what it is! He doesn’t even know what it is!

At a certain age and point in my life, I wasn’t the easiest person to get along with. I know that. I had a lot of shit going on inside me and I never knew how to handle it. I don’t think anyone ever really knew that. I mean, how could they, when I hardly knew it myself. But I guess I just wish things were different. I wish I had a brother again. Even if we fought or disagreed sometimes, it at least it would mean we were still talking. I talk to my brother maybe once a year, when I’m visiting. And even then that’s all it is. A small conversation here or there. I don’t know what else to do. I guess there’s nothing for me TO do anymore.

I know you aren’t reading this, Nick… but if you ever do. I love you little bro and I miss you!

Starting Anew

I realize it's been devastatingly long since I last posted. SO much has happened over these past months that I don't even really know where to begin. Most things are not important and since this isn't a diary, a play by play of my months are not necessary.

So really the most important thing to state here is I am now gainfully employed! I lost my job and a month later I found something else and I have been working hard ever since. I enjoy my job. I'm a merchandise specialist inside of a major retail store and I am very busy. I wont get into all of the specifics because who really cares? I started this job knowing it was a part time position and I was completely satisfied with that. thats all i really need with my daughter in school and really having no one else to take care of her, i carry this weight on my own. her dad works and she is in his care 3 days a week so at least I am not COMPLETELY alone. because of this, i have been lucky. and also, i DOhave the most amazing boyfriend a woman could ask for and he gladly cares for my Riley if I need him to.

Shortly after I started this job, my boss came to me and asked me if I would be interested in taking the opening full time position which would include a promotion and more money. I would be doing her job alongside her in the neighboring area. I had to think long and hard about this. This job is VERY demanding and weighing how much money I would have started out with vs. how much time lost and money spent on daycare for my daughter, i had to turn it down. it would NOT be worth it. I dont know about you but I dont want to come home every night around 6 or 7 and have an hour with my kid before its time to bathe her and put her to bed. FUCK THAT. its not worth it to me to spend half my money paying someone else to take care of her when I could just be doing it myself. i enjoy time with my kid and shes like my little best friend. so i turned it down and im very glad i did. i ended up getting more hours in my current position anyways so im doing jusssttt fine.

ANYWAYS! i have so many blog ideas brewing in my head and i cant wait to delve into them. a list of my thought processes are as follows:
stupid people
resentment
family
growing up
holding a grudge
getting what you want
and a few other random shits.

I may even just start and post in the next few hours... or days... we shall see. For now, if youre still reading this and i havent lost you yet, thanks. i promise my posts wont be as mundane and boring as this all the time. and i also promise that im going to pour my heart out. im going to say how i feel and be damned if someone has a problem with it. im tired of censoring and worrying about everyone else. fuck that! ive been the only one taking care of me so i just gotta express me for me! i write for me. i appreciate you reading me but im not trying to impress you :)

hope to see you again soon