(I just want to thank everyone who is reading my story and I
hope you are enjoying the ride! I plan to finish out this story in
hopefully one more part so as to see you through to the wonderful
entrance of my dear little Riley! I appreciate the support I have
received, and hope you choose to continue on this blogging journey with
me!)
Well I'll be fucking damned... RIGHT?!?! I didn't see THAT coming. Talk about blindsided. I think i was more shook up than Elvis Presley! But you can bet your sweet ass I was also ecstatic and excited and moved. I was moved almost to joyful tears. So how the hell did this happen? The doctor guesses I had abnormally "high" levels of HcG early in my pregnancy that made us believe I was further along than I actually was. So when I went in for my first ultrasound, my little fetus was not fully formed and could not be detected.
The first and only thing i think i could think of (i know that sounds funny) was HOLY SHIT WHAT IF I HAD HAD THE SAC REMOVED????!!! In essence, I could have aborted my child and never have even known about it. This thought echoed with and haunted me. And I still think of it now as I'm writing this. And while i would never change the fact that I now have the most amazing almost 8yr old daughter, I often thought about how I could have changed my situation.
I was happy about this twist of events and I was prepared to have long heart to hearts with Kenny about our hopes and dreams for the future. Wow, so amazing this news was. But I couldnt have been more wrong. Over the passing weeks and months Kenny started to change. He was becoming more distant. At first he passably played it off as work and school stress but then he started becoming more and more disinterested in accompanying me to doctor appointments, and even refused to talk about baby names...
I didnt get it! How could someone so forcibly impose their thoughts about what they would do If I didnt have this baby, all of sudden be SO uninterested in the actual baby? Did I do something wrong? What was going on? I would remember hearing all about family members or friends getting pregnant, and how their husband or boyfriend or fiance was so doting and loving and involved with the pregnancy and the baby. Then here I was unable to get this man to come to an ultrasound appointment; or talk about what we would name our possible daughter or son. It grew increasingly more frustrating as the weeks dragged on.
Our relationship was changing and I was slowly turning into the victim of Kenny's controlling and selfish behavior. I recall so vividly being somewhere around 5 months pregnant and craving so badly a bag of potato chips. For me, it was a very odd craving as I very rarely ate potato chips and I had been talking about it for a few days. I kept asking Kenny if he would please go out and buy some, but his response was nothing close to that of a loving, caring boyfriend. Instead, he tried to bribe me... he would go out and buy some potato chips... if I would perform oral sex on him. I was disgusted and I felt so degraded, and ANGRY! How could he possibly be serious?! Needless to fucking say, I did not get potato chips.
I really didnt understand what the hell was going on. I faced so much anger and hatred in the beginning of this whole ordeal about whether or not I wanted to become a mother. And all of a sudden, I was the one who wanted to be a parent and I was actually taking ownership of this situation we had gotten into. Not Kenny. It was almost like he had completely changed his mind and without ever having to say so. I became trapped in this vicious place of resentment and I began to fall out of love. It happened ever so slowly and gradually but I could feel it happening. And I started to feel very alone.
In my 6th month of pregnancy, Kenny and I had planned a vacation to visit my family up in Massachusetts. The day our flight was scheduled to leave happened to be the day Hurricane Charley decided to roll through Port Charlotte. It was one of the scariest experiences I have ever been through and I remember being huddled in the bathroom at my dad's house, fearing his long wall of sliding glass doors would blow in at any second. The home we were renting suffered window damage and as we struggled to find plywood to board up our home before our flight, I felt so unsettled. Everything was in such a state of disarray and I look back now at Hurricane Charley as a glaring warning sign of what was to come in my tumultuous relationship with Kenny.
Come to find out, all was not well in pregnancy-land, and I found myself visiting the hospital for 6 hours at a time after every OB appointment I attended. During my 7th month of pregnancy I was diagnosed with having toxemia (aka pre-eclampsia). And every suggestion of "take it easy" that was told to me at previous appointments finally made sense. No one told me how serious a condition I had until after a few 24-hour urine tests where it was determined I needed to be on bed rest. Silly me, I had been working, going to college, and playing your typical Betty Homemaker, that I really was blind to the fact that I was incredibly ill. But even with the loom of bed rest hanging over my head, it made no difference to Kenny. I was still cooking and cleaning and taking care of his bullshit when I should have been feet-up on the couch!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Baby Story: Part Two- Psyche!
I wish I could remember what the nurse said to me... I was laying there, or I was sitting there, i can hardly remember. I was vulnerable and nervous, and I can't even recall what she said. The doctor would speak to me shortly. I wasnt sure if she seemed concerned or if it was standard procedure. But I sat and I waited anyways.
Kenny was there. He waited with me and in came the doctor. She had the results from my pee test and they were off a bit. Apparently my HcG levels (the pregnancy hormone detected in your urine) were very low for a woman who is pregnant. It was a small concern but she wanted to schedule an ultrasound to have a look at my uterus.
I was given some information and made an appointment to be seen again to test my HcG levels and have the ultrasound. I agreed and we left the doctor's office.
My next appointment was fast approaching and I finally got Kenny to find the time to change his schedule to come with me. Off we went to get my tests. The doctor was not very surprised to see that my HcG levels were climbing but they were not doubling like they should. I'm not quite sure how that all works but something was off, so I had the ultrasound.
This is where shit gets real.... HOW COULD THIS BE???
From what could be shown on my ultrasound I had what is called a "blighted ovum". For any of you who do not know what a blighted ovum is, here is a general definition (brought to you by AmericanPregnancy.org)
A blighted ovum ... happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum occurs within the first trimester, often before a woman knows she is pregnant.
In other words, I was technically NOT PREGNANT! ummm WTF?!?! So there I was with my gestational sac and no embryo. An embryo is the fetus, people! The ultrasound showed that there was a sac but my womb was empty, there was nothing inside. I was so confused!!! i was also really sad. All of this anguish and entrapment I had been feeling over the past few weeks felt nothing like what I was feeling in that moment. I had finally gotten used to the idea that I was growing a baby, and that baby would be born and it would be mine. But nope, i guess not!
The doctor told me that I had a few options, well, two options. Blighted ovums eventually pass through your system and expel themselves through having a period and you technically have a miscarriage. This was heartbreaking to me. I was also informed that they could remove it manually with a small procedure to avoid the waiting and the worry. Removing the sac also would give them an opportunity to do testing (if I wanted them to) to try and determine why this happened. In that moment, I felt having an unnecessary procedure to remove something that my body would naturally expel was too much. Partly because I was unsure how I would afford it, and partly because I felt natural was better.
So again, another appointment was scheduled for testing and to determine whether or not I wanted to have the sac removed or to keep waiting.
The next week was strange. And Kenny felt especially strange. I'm not sure what he was thinking or feeling because we didn't really talk about it, but in a lot of ways I could sense his relief emanating around me. I partially had that same relief, yet I was still experiencing a strange sense of loss for a baby that I never really had.
Appointment day... here we are again, a surprising climb in my HcG levels but not a normal climb. Doctor is a little surprised. I hadnt expelled the sac yet and we decided to do another ultrasound. And you will not fucking believe what the nurse finds while she is running that ice cold gel across my stomach. Hello gestational sac.
HELLO TINY LITTLE HEARTBEAT!
where have you been all my life???
There on the screen a small black dot, showing me the beat of my fetus' tiny little heart.
I am pregnant, people. 8 weeks pregnant. No empty sac, an embryo has formed and a heart is beating.
Kenny was there. He waited with me and in came the doctor. She had the results from my pee test and they were off a bit. Apparently my HcG levels (the pregnancy hormone detected in your urine) were very low for a woman who is pregnant. It was a small concern but she wanted to schedule an ultrasound to have a look at my uterus.
I was given some information and made an appointment to be seen again to test my HcG levels and have the ultrasound. I agreed and we left the doctor's office.
My next appointment was fast approaching and I finally got Kenny to find the time to change his schedule to come with me. Off we went to get my tests. The doctor was not very surprised to see that my HcG levels were climbing but they were not doubling like they should. I'm not quite sure how that all works but something was off, so I had the ultrasound.
This is where shit gets real.... HOW COULD THIS BE???
From what could be shown on my ultrasound I had what is called a "blighted ovum". For any of you who do not know what a blighted ovum is, here is a general definition (brought to you by AmericanPregnancy.org)
A blighted ovum ... happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum occurs within the first trimester, often before a woman knows she is pregnant.
In other words, I was technically NOT PREGNANT! ummm WTF?!?! So there I was with my gestational sac and no embryo. An embryo is the fetus, people! The ultrasound showed that there was a sac but my womb was empty, there was nothing inside. I was so confused!!! i was also really sad. All of this anguish and entrapment I had been feeling over the past few weeks felt nothing like what I was feeling in that moment. I had finally gotten used to the idea that I was growing a baby, and that baby would be born and it would be mine. But nope, i guess not!
The doctor told me that I had a few options, well, two options. Blighted ovums eventually pass through your system and expel themselves through having a period and you technically have a miscarriage. This was heartbreaking to me. I was also informed that they could remove it manually with a small procedure to avoid the waiting and the worry. Removing the sac also would give them an opportunity to do testing (if I wanted them to) to try and determine why this happened. In that moment, I felt having an unnecessary procedure to remove something that my body would naturally expel was too much. Partly because I was unsure how I would afford it, and partly because I felt natural was better.
So again, another appointment was scheduled for testing and to determine whether or not I wanted to have the sac removed or to keep waiting.
The next week was strange. And Kenny felt especially strange. I'm not sure what he was thinking or feeling because we didn't really talk about it, but in a lot of ways I could sense his relief emanating around me. I partially had that same relief, yet I was still experiencing a strange sense of loss for a baby that I never really had.
Appointment day... here we are again, a surprising climb in my HcG levels but not a normal climb. Doctor is a little surprised. I hadnt expelled the sac yet and we decided to do another ultrasound. And you will not fucking believe what the nurse finds while she is running that ice cold gel across my stomach. Hello gestational sac.
HELLO TINY LITTLE HEARTBEAT!
where have you been all my life???
There on the screen a small black dot, showing me the beat of my fetus' tiny little heart.
I am pregnant, people. 8 weeks pregnant. No empty sac, an embryo has formed and a heart is beating.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Baby Story: Part One- Criminal
I've been trying to come up with what I want to write about lately and I have just come to the conclusion that I want to tell my story about Riley. My pregnancy and situation after she was born has been a world of crazy, and maybe there's someone out there who can relate. Or maybe everyone else has the perfect baby story and the perfect husband to go along with it. I don't. And it started like this....
It was really late at night. I don't even remember now why I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was probably late. And I probably had that ache in my stomach that told me something wasn't right. I had had no morning sickness or any symptoms of pregnancy. And I think part of me bought the test just to prove to myself that I was just thinking too much.
I was home alone. My then-boyfriend was working an overnight shift (7pm-7am) at the hospital. I had been living with him (Kenny) since November. It was now March. I had been with Kenny for 7 months and things were going well. I believe we loved each other and I was happy. SO, I peed on a stick. And there were two pink lines. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.
I never knew that all of the emotions you have ever felt in your entire existence could be felt at one time and one AT a time over and over again. I was confused, shocked, scared, upset, stunned, worried, and a million other things. I got in my car and put the test in the cup holder and I drove to Kenny's work. When I got there, I called him and told him to come to the car. I had been crying. When he came out and I showed him the positive test, he just looked at me and said, "it's okay. everything is okay."
I didnt feel okay. I went home and I felt so un-okay for the rest of the night. I had a million thoughts running through my head. I just turned 19. I was in college. I had a job. I was in no way thinking about becoming a mother. DID I EVEN WANT TO BE A MOTHER?!?! Im not sure i had ever even put some real thought into that question.
Over the next week I was very verbal about my feelings and very open about the fact that I had options. Telling my mom I was pregnant was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was at WORK when I called her and she was not very pleased. She wasnt angry and she didnt say anything mean or hurtful. She honestly just seemed sorrowed. I still remember her telling me that no matter what I chose, i would remember it for the rest of my life. And she knew. My mom gave up a baby at 18 and it always stayed with her. I'm not quite sure if it was a secret, but when I was growing up, no one ever really talked about it. Not in a bad way, but again, maybe it WAS a secret I wasnt supposed to know about. But i knew, and I would sneak the baby album she kept of my half-brother (adoptive family sent her photos to keep) and I would look at it and think about him. And wonder where he was.
I considered all of the possibilities. I strongly considered abortion. It was probably at the top of my choices and I always went back to it as my main option. I of course thought about adoption but I felt like I might not be a strong enough woman to carry a baby inside of me for 9 months and then GIVE IT AWAY. something about that was very hard for me to comprehend. I thought about NOT being a mother... I wasnt ready. I really wasnt. But it didnt matter.
Kenny had other plans. Every option I considered he countered. If I aborted, he would leave me. If I wanted to give the baby up, he would take it and leave me. If any of my choices involved my not having this baby and being it's mother, he would leave me. I felt so in love and so trapped at the same time. All of my options were not options. they were ultimatums. my head was spinning and I became a criminal. I was an awful, shitty person If I decided I was not ready to be a mom.
The following week we went to the doctors. I had gotten myself to be in the mindset that I COULD be a mom. that I was comfortable with that decision. I was starting to get excited at this notion that I was having a baby with Kenny and I was gonna be a mommy! I made myself change, partly because I was very afraid to lose Kenny... or maybe that was the only reason I felt I had to change... But I started to get happy about it.
Sitting on the table at the OBGYN, I was not expecting to hear what I heard next... How could this be???
It was really late at night. I don't even remember now why I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was probably late. And I probably had that ache in my stomach that told me something wasn't right. I had had no morning sickness or any symptoms of pregnancy. And I think part of me bought the test just to prove to myself that I was just thinking too much.
I was home alone. My then-boyfriend was working an overnight shift (7pm-7am) at the hospital. I had been living with him (Kenny) since November. It was now March. I had been with Kenny for 7 months and things were going well. I believe we loved each other and I was happy. SO, I peed on a stick. And there were two pink lines. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.
I never knew that all of the emotions you have ever felt in your entire existence could be felt at one time and one AT a time over and over again. I was confused, shocked, scared, upset, stunned, worried, and a million other things. I got in my car and put the test in the cup holder and I drove to Kenny's work. When I got there, I called him and told him to come to the car. I had been crying. When he came out and I showed him the positive test, he just looked at me and said, "it's okay. everything is okay."
I didnt feel okay. I went home and I felt so un-okay for the rest of the night. I had a million thoughts running through my head. I just turned 19. I was in college. I had a job. I was in no way thinking about becoming a mother. DID I EVEN WANT TO BE A MOTHER?!?! Im not sure i had ever even put some real thought into that question.
Over the next week I was very verbal about my feelings and very open about the fact that I had options. Telling my mom I was pregnant was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was at WORK when I called her and she was not very pleased. She wasnt angry and she didnt say anything mean or hurtful. She honestly just seemed sorrowed. I still remember her telling me that no matter what I chose, i would remember it for the rest of my life. And she knew. My mom gave up a baby at 18 and it always stayed with her. I'm not quite sure if it was a secret, but when I was growing up, no one ever really talked about it. Not in a bad way, but again, maybe it WAS a secret I wasnt supposed to know about. But i knew, and I would sneak the baby album she kept of my half-brother (adoptive family sent her photos to keep) and I would look at it and think about him. And wonder where he was.
I considered all of the possibilities. I strongly considered abortion. It was probably at the top of my choices and I always went back to it as my main option. I of course thought about adoption but I felt like I might not be a strong enough woman to carry a baby inside of me for 9 months and then GIVE IT AWAY. something about that was very hard for me to comprehend. I thought about NOT being a mother... I wasnt ready. I really wasnt. But it didnt matter.
Kenny had other plans. Every option I considered he countered. If I aborted, he would leave me. If I wanted to give the baby up, he would take it and leave me. If any of my choices involved my not having this baby and being it's mother, he would leave me. I felt so in love and so trapped at the same time. All of my options were not options. they were ultimatums. my head was spinning and I became a criminal. I was an awful, shitty person If I decided I was not ready to be a mom.
The following week we went to the doctors. I had gotten myself to be in the mindset that I COULD be a mom. that I was comfortable with that decision. I was starting to get excited at this notion that I was having a baby with Kenny and I was gonna be a mommy! I made myself change, partly because I was very afraid to lose Kenny... or maybe that was the only reason I felt I had to change... But I started to get happy about it.
Sitting on the table at the OBGYN, I was not expecting to hear what I heard next... How could this be???
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Eventually
OK SO, i really just need to say it. i want to eventually be a wife. i want to get married. I want to have someone else's last name and i want to even maybe have some kind of wedding! My reasons have nothing to do with god or government. they only have anything to do with what it means to ME to be married and to be a wife. And it has a lot to do with being part of a family. A full family.
i have never really fantasized about a wedding and a dress and all of that jazz but as i have gotten older and have gone through the things ive been through with my daughter, i have come to discover how important it is to me to "settle down".
to me, marriage is about eternal partnership. its about standing beside the person you love and committing to them in words and on paper that you will do whatever is in your power to be better, to enrich their life, to support them, and forever reassure them that they matter. marriage is about having your best friend who is also your lover. and about knowing that you wont ever have to go through life and it's hardships alone.
i want that.
i possibly also want the superficial parts of marriage as well. i want the ring. i want the last name. and i might even want to wear that stupid dress. however, these things are ancillary to me. and i know that part of me is totally unable to even explain (because i hardly understand it myself) why being a wife has become so important. it MEANS something.
expressing this is hard for me. im not saying that i want this right now and im not even really thinking about a time frame. but i want to know that it's possible. that it's in the cards for me. and i want a family for myself and for Riley.
Mrs. Cortney Someone-or-Other
it's not that much to ask...
Right?
i have never really fantasized about a wedding and a dress and all of that jazz but as i have gotten older and have gone through the things ive been through with my daughter, i have come to discover how important it is to me to "settle down".
to me, marriage is about eternal partnership. its about standing beside the person you love and committing to them in words and on paper that you will do whatever is in your power to be better, to enrich their life, to support them, and forever reassure them that they matter. marriage is about having your best friend who is also your lover. and about knowing that you wont ever have to go through life and it's hardships alone.
i want that.
i possibly also want the superficial parts of marriage as well. i want the ring. i want the last name. and i might even want to wear that stupid dress. however, these things are ancillary to me. and i know that part of me is totally unable to even explain (because i hardly understand it myself) why being a wife has become so important. it MEANS something.
expressing this is hard for me. im not saying that i want this right now and im not even really thinking about a time frame. but i want to know that it's possible. that it's in the cards for me. and i want a family for myself and for Riley.
Mrs. Cortney Someone-or-Other
it's not that much to ask...
Right?
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Nick
Growing up, my brother and I were pretty close. We were pretty much best friends. As kids we did everything together. We played with the same neighborhood friends and had fun doing the same stuff. We used to build forts, make mud stew, play sports, ride bikes, pretend to be Rambo (and Rambina) or Power Rangers, and get in lots of trouble. We even took turns taking the blame for shit. We knew that we were probably gonna get busted so we had to decide beforehand whose turn it was to take the heat.
My dad used to have this yellow construction string that he used for stuff. It was pretty expensive and he kept it out in his garage. If it was in his garage, it was probably expensive and you probably shouldn’t fuck with it… but we stole it one day and decided it would be awesome to make a huge spider web by tying it to random everything in my brother’s room. It was awesome! We got in trouble of course but I have no idea who took the blame on that one.
We obviously fought and argued like any brother and sister would but we always ended up making up and then doing other crazy shit together.
One of our favorite things to do was take our sectional couch and push it together to make a square. This was our wrestling and fighting arena and it was the best. It was also the base to our fort-making and where we would eat many bags of popcorn and chips dipped in ketchup and millions of bagels with cream cheese. We once had this kick where we would dip pepperoni into pizza sauce. Until we spilled sauce on the rug and begged our mom not to tell our dad because he would probably beat us. We even blew up the glass plate in the microwave because we thought it would be a better idea to cook two bags of popcorn at the same time… These were also the days of our food inventions. One of the only ones I can remember consisted of spoonfuls of fluff, peanut butter, a mashed banana, and some chocolate syrup. I remember it because I make it still to this day for my daughter (who am I kidding, and for me!)
Those were good times. We got older and moved to a new state and I don’t really know how or why anymore but we kinda stopped being friends. I would sometimes spend a few hours hanging out with him while he played computer games, cheering him on. That was all good and fine. But then, for some reason, he started to hate me. To my recollection I never stole from him (I was a classic klepto as a teen. I would take shit from my sisters regularly and swear up and down that I didn’t) or did anything in particular to cause this, but he hated me.
I always wished that that were different. I really love my brother. I even wrote an essay about him in college. It was one of the few times we got along after we moved and it was about building an igloo with him one winter. But still to this day, the kid pretty much hates me. Or he just has no interest in being my friend anymore. Its really sad and it makes ME really sad. I’m interested in his life and where he’s going or what he wants to do. And I want the best for him. I miss having a little brother. When I moved back to Florida, I lost all my chances for making things right with him and I realize that now at 27, I’ll probably never have the opportunity at the kind of friendship with him I wish I had. It sucks.
Riley is his first niece. He has 3 other niece and nephews by my second sister and from what I hear he’s a really good uncle. We are missing out on that. Riley is missing out on that and it‘s disappointing. I feel like my brother would never give me the chance or the time of day to rebuild our relationship. He doesn’t answer my texts so I never bother to call. That was supposed to be my lifelong buddy! He makes me feel like I suck. I did something so terrible that I can never take it away and I don’t even know what it is! He doesn’t even know what it is!
At a certain age and point in my life, I wasn’t the easiest person to get along with. I know that. I had a lot of shit going on inside me and I never knew how to handle it. I don’t think anyone ever really knew that. I mean, how could they, when I hardly knew it myself. But I guess I just wish things were different. I wish I had a brother again. Even if we fought or disagreed sometimes, it at least it would mean we were still talking. I talk to my brother maybe once a year, when I’m visiting. And even then that’s all it is. A small conversation here or there. I don’t know what else to do. I guess there’s nothing for me TO do anymore.
I know you aren’t reading this, Nick… but if you ever do. I love you little bro and I miss you!
My dad used to have this yellow construction string that he used for stuff. It was pretty expensive and he kept it out in his garage. If it was in his garage, it was probably expensive and you probably shouldn’t fuck with it… but we stole it one day and decided it would be awesome to make a huge spider web by tying it to random everything in my brother’s room. It was awesome! We got in trouble of course but I have no idea who took the blame on that one.
We obviously fought and argued like any brother and sister would but we always ended up making up and then doing other crazy shit together.
One of our favorite things to do was take our sectional couch and push it together to make a square. This was our wrestling and fighting arena and it was the best. It was also the base to our fort-making and where we would eat many bags of popcorn and chips dipped in ketchup and millions of bagels with cream cheese. We once had this kick where we would dip pepperoni into pizza sauce. Until we spilled sauce on the rug and begged our mom not to tell our dad because he would probably beat us. We even blew up the glass plate in the microwave because we thought it would be a better idea to cook two bags of popcorn at the same time… These were also the days of our food inventions. One of the only ones I can remember consisted of spoonfuls of fluff, peanut butter, a mashed banana, and some chocolate syrup. I remember it because I make it still to this day for my daughter (who am I kidding, and for me!)
Those were good times. We got older and moved to a new state and I don’t really know how or why anymore but we kinda stopped being friends. I would sometimes spend a few hours hanging out with him while he played computer games, cheering him on. That was all good and fine. But then, for some reason, he started to hate me. To my recollection I never stole from him (I was a classic klepto as a teen. I would take shit from my sisters regularly and swear up and down that I didn’t) or did anything in particular to cause this, but he hated me.
I always wished that that were different. I really love my brother. I even wrote an essay about him in college. It was one of the few times we got along after we moved and it was about building an igloo with him one winter. But still to this day, the kid pretty much hates me. Or he just has no interest in being my friend anymore. Its really sad and it makes ME really sad. I’m interested in his life and where he’s going or what he wants to do. And I want the best for him. I miss having a little brother. When I moved back to Florida, I lost all my chances for making things right with him and I realize that now at 27, I’ll probably never have the opportunity at the kind of friendship with him I wish I had. It sucks.
Riley is his first niece. He has 3 other niece and nephews by my second sister and from what I hear he’s a really good uncle. We are missing out on that. Riley is missing out on that and it‘s disappointing. I feel like my brother would never give me the chance or the time of day to rebuild our relationship. He doesn’t answer my texts so I never bother to call. That was supposed to be my lifelong buddy! He makes me feel like I suck. I did something so terrible that I can never take it away and I don’t even know what it is! He doesn’t even know what it is!
At a certain age and point in my life, I wasn’t the easiest person to get along with. I know that. I had a lot of shit going on inside me and I never knew how to handle it. I don’t think anyone ever really knew that. I mean, how could they, when I hardly knew it myself. But I guess I just wish things were different. I wish I had a brother again. Even if we fought or disagreed sometimes, it at least it would mean we were still talking. I talk to my brother maybe once a year, when I’m visiting. And even then that’s all it is. A small conversation here or there. I don’t know what else to do. I guess there’s nothing for me TO do anymore.
I know you aren’t reading this, Nick… but if you ever do. I love you little bro and I miss you!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Starting Anew
I realize it's been devastatingly long since I last posted. SO much has happened over these past months that I don't even really know where to begin. Most things are not important and since this isn't a diary, a play by play of my months are not necessary.
So really the most important thing to state here is I am now gainfully employed! I lost my job and a month later I found something else and I have been working hard ever since. I enjoy my job. I'm a merchandise specialist inside of a major retail store and I am very busy. I wont get into all of the specifics because who really cares? I started this job knowing it was a part time position and I was completely satisfied with that. thats all i really need with my daughter in school and really having no one else to take care of her, i carry this weight on my own. her dad works and she is in his care 3 days a week so at least I am not COMPLETELY alone. because of this, i have been lucky. and also, i DOhave the most amazing boyfriend a woman could ask for and he gladly cares for my Riley if I need him to.
Shortly after I started this job, my boss came to me and asked me if I would be interested in taking the opening full time position which would include a promotion and more money. I would be doing her job alongside her in the neighboring area. I had to think long and hard about this. This job is VERY demanding and weighing how much money I would have started out with vs. how much time lost and money spent on daycare for my daughter, i had to turn it down. it would NOT be worth it. I dont know about you but I dont want to come home every night around 6 or 7 and have an hour with my kid before its time to bathe her and put her to bed. FUCK THAT. its not worth it to me to spend half my money paying someone else to take care of her when I could just be doing it myself. i enjoy time with my kid and shes like my little best friend. so i turned it down and im very glad i did. i ended up getting more hours in my current position anyways so im doing jusssttt fine.
ANYWAYS! i have so many blog ideas brewing in my head and i cant wait to delve into them. a list of my thought processes are as follows:
stupid people
resentment
family
growing up
holding a grudge
getting what you want
and a few other random shits.
I may even just start and post in the next few hours... or days... we shall see. For now, if youre still reading this and i havent lost you yet, thanks. i promise my posts wont be as mundane and boring as this all the time. and i also promise that im going to pour my heart out. im going to say how i feel and be damned if someone has a problem with it. im tired of censoring and worrying about everyone else. fuck that! ive been the only one taking care of me so i just gotta express me for me! i write for me. i appreciate you reading me but im not trying to impress you :)
hope to see you again soon
So really the most important thing to state here is I am now gainfully employed! I lost my job and a month later I found something else and I have been working hard ever since. I enjoy my job. I'm a merchandise specialist inside of a major retail store and I am very busy. I wont get into all of the specifics because who really cares? I started this job knowing it was a part time position and I was completely satisfied with that. thats all i really need with my daughter in school and really having no one else to take care of her, i carry this weight on my own. her dad works and she is in his care 3 days a week so at least I am not COMPLETELY alone. because of this, i have been lucky. and also, i DOhave the most amazing boyfriend a woman could ask for and he gladly cares for my Riley if I need him to.
Shortly after I started this job, my boss came to me and asked me if I would be interested in taking the opening full time position which would include a promotion and more money. I would be doing her job alongside her in the neighboring area. I had to think long and hard about this. This job is VERY demanding and weighing how much money I would have started out with vs. how much time lost and money spent on daycare for my daughter, i had to turn it down. it would NOT be worth it. I dont know about you but I dont want to come home every night around 6 or 7 and have an hour with my kid before its time to bathe her and put her to bed. FUCK THAT. its not worth it to me to spend half my money paying someone else to take care of her when I could just be doing it myself. i enjoy time with my kid and shes like my little best friend. so i turned it down and im very glad i did. i ended up getting more hours in my current position anyways so im doing jusssttt fine.
ANYWAYS! i have so many blog ideas brewing in my head and i cant wait to delve into them. a list of my thought processes are as follows:
stupid people
resentment
family
growing up
holding a grudge
getting what you want
and a few other random shits.
I may even just start and post in the next few hours... or days... we shall see. For now, if youre still reading this and i havent lost you yet, thanks. i promise my posts wont be as mundane and boring as this all the time. and i also promise that im going to pour my heart out. im going to say how i feel and be damned if someone has a problem with it. im tired of censoring and worrying about everyone else. fuck that! ive been the only one taking care of me so i just gotta express me for me! i write for me. i appreciate you reading me but im not trying to impress you :)
hope to see you again soon
Saturday, August 27, 2011
hurricane fever
well, it has been far too long since i have posted. almost two months. i just didnt want to post in sadness or anger AGAIN!
in june i lost my job and was unemployed for a little over a month. it was the worst! i tried to stay positive and not become depressed. soon enough i was getting phone calls for interviews. strangely, jobs i was highly qualified for were not calling me back and i was getting restless. finally in the second week of july, i was hired into a merchandising company and i couldnt be happier. im loving the job and my boss (just wish i had some more hours!)
currently, im stuck in Massachusetts. I flew up here to attend one of my best friend's weddings which was scheduled for tomorrow morning. Due to Hurricane Irene, the wedding was actually cancelled and they will be rescheduling the day. Because of this, he and his fiance decided to marry in front of close family and very few friends at their rehearsal dinner! it was an exciting and spur-of-the-moment thing to do... and as you can imagine, it wasnt exactly seamless! the bride was absolutely stunning and i was so happy to be there for my friend. not a part of the wedding party, this change of plans allowed me to be included and involved in a way that would not have been possible. i help set up flowers and fix the runner, and get flowers for bridesmaids and bride and take photos of the event.
im assuming on the day of the rescheduled wedding that all of the vendors involved will do their thing; photographer, caterer, videographer, and whomever else. it will probably make the pictures i took seem amateur and unneeded. though, its nice to have photos from the REAL nuptials and not just the repeat.
anyways, Hurricane Irene is due to pass through sometime tomorrow, causing flooding rains and possibly some downed trees. the flight i scheduled to return home on monday was cancelled so now im stuck here for an extra day. its not THAT big of a deal and im happy to be able to see my niece and nephews but i miss my daughter and my boyfriend. i just want to say how much i love my boyfriend. he is so great and wonderful and i am so very lucky to have him as a part of my life. i hope he feels the same!
i guess i dont really have too much to talk about at this point in time. im kinda bored and a little bit lonely, even though i just played some rockband with my mom and sister.
i think i might watch a movie while laying in bed... and catch up on my Words with Friends!
in june i lost my job and was unemployed for a little over a month. it was the worst! i tried to stay positive and not become depressed. soon enough i was getting phone calls for interviews. strangely, jobs i was highly qualified for were not calling me back and i was getting restless. finally in the second week of july, i was hired into a merchandising company and i couldnt be happier. im loving the job and my boss (just wish i had some more hours!)
currently, im stuck in Massachusetts. I flew up here to attend one of my best friend's weddings which was scheduled for tomorrow morning. Due to Hurricane Irene, the wedding was actually cancelled and they will be rescheduling the day. Because of this, he and his fiance decided to marry in front of close family and very few friends at their rehearsal dinner! it was an exciting and spur-of-the-moment thing to do... and as you can imagine, it wasnt exactly seamless! the bride was absolutely stunning and i was so happy to be there for my friend. not a part of the wedding party, this change of plans allowed me to be included and involved in a way that would not have been possible. i help set up flowers and fix the runner, and get flowers for bridesmaids and bride and take photos of the event.
im assuming on the day of the rescheduled wedding that all of the vendors involved will do their thing; photographer, caterer, videographer, and whomever else. it will probably make the pictures i took seem amateur and unneeded. though, its nice to have photos from the REAL nuptials and not just the repeat.
anyways, Hurricane Irene is due to pass through sometime tomorrow, causing flooding rains and possibly some downed trees. the flight i scheduled to return home on monday was cancelled so now im stuck here for an extra day. its not THAT big of a deal and im happy to be able to see my niece and nephews but i miss my daughter and my boyfriend. i just want to say how much i love my boyfriend. he is so great and wonderful and i am so very lucky to have him as a part of my life. i hope he feels the same!
i guess i dont really have too much to talk about at this point in time. im kinda bored and a little bit lonely, even though i just played some rockband with my mom and sister.
i think i might watch a movie while laying in bed... and catch up on my Words with Friends!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Financial Stress!
I hate writing when I’m frustrated or angry. I don’t like to think that I only have something to say when I’m upset. In any case, right now I’m feeling somewhat stressed about money. Child support in particular.
Recently, Riley’s dad and I went down to child support because they withheld his tax return, claiming that he owed me money. Everything between Kenny and I financially has been settled and even, so this was confusing. We signed a paper stating that he did not owe me this money etc. A few days later, I get a letter in the mail from child support enforcement claiming that they have found in their records that they overpaid me somewhere around $1400 LAST APRIL! And now they are requesting/demanding that I repay this amount! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
I called Kenny to let him know what the heck was going on and he basically agreed that I do not owe him anything and that we are on the same page- everything is even and up to date and no one owes anyone anything. He did also say that if I had to repay anything in any way that he would give it back to me. All he cared about was getting the $3000 from the EAC on my taxes, which I had already agreed to give him.
It is just soooo frustrating to have something like this happen. And on top of that, just the thought that they are that fucking unorganized to think I was overpaid in such a large sum of money. As a struggling single mother, the idea of having to pay that kind of money BACK is even more angering!
I am hoping that by contacting them and getting something signed also by Kenny stating that I do not owe him anything will solve and clear it all up. It will be even more annoying to have to have money withheld from my child support, only to have him give it back to me. UGH!
OH and I haven’t mentioned that I’m also getting collection letters from some company named Stephen Michaels & Associates claiming I have a bill in collections with them from the hospital when I had conjunctivitis. This is complete and utter BULLSHIT because Medicaid paid that bill 3 months after the date of service. Neither the hospital nor the ER doctor sent my bill into collections, as I have asked for itemized bills with proof that the sum had been paid.
So I guess my next step is to demand that this company send me proof that I owe this debt and provide me with information on the date of service and total cost etc. GRRRRR… these things are so stressful!
I also need to go back to the health department for a physical and other check up things AND I need to reapply for food stamps which I don’t think I’m going to qualify for anymore. I had worked a lot more these past few months because of how short staffed we are and that has changed a lot and is going to stay the way it is for a while. So now I’m going to be penalized with the amount of money I’ll receive because I had a few good months :( Argh.
Ok I guess that’s enough of me complaining for tonight!
Recently, Riley’s dad and I went down to child support because they withheld his tax return, claiming that he owed me money. Everything between Kenny and I financially has been settled and even, so this was confusing. We signed a paper stating that he did not owe me this money etc. A few days later, I get a letter in the mail from child support enforcement claiming that they have found in their records that they overpaid me somewhere around $1400 LAST APRIL! And now they are requesting/demanding that I repay this amount! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
I called Kenny to let him know what the heck was going on and he basically agreed that I do not owe him anything and that we are on the same page- everything is even and up to date and no one owes anyone anything. He did also say that if I had to repay anything in any way that he would give it back to me. All he cared about was getting the $3000 from the EAC on my taxes, which I had already agreed to give him.
It is just soooo frustrating to have something like this happen. And on top of that, just the thought that they are that fucking unorganized to think I was overpaid in such a large sum of money. As a struggling single mother, the idea of having to pay that kind of money BACK is even more angering!
I am hoping that by contacting them and getting something signed also by Kenny stating that I do not owe him anything will solve and clear it all up. It will be even more annoying to have to have money withheld from my child support, only to have him give it back to me. UGH!
OH and I haven’t mentioned that I’m also getting collection letters from some company named Stephen Michaels & Associates claiming I have a bill in collections with them from the hospital when I had conjunctivitis. This is complete and utter BULLSHIT because Medicaid paid that bill 3 months after the date of service. Neither the hospital nor the ER doctor sent my bill into collections, as I have asked for itemized bills with proof that the sum had been paid.
So I guess my next step is to demand that this company send me proof that I owe this debt and provide me with information on the date of service and total cost etc. GRRRRR… these things are so stressful!
I also need to go back to the health department for a physical and other check up things AND I need to reapply for food stamps which I don’t think I’m going to qualify for anymore. I had worked a lot more these past few months because of how short staffed we are and that has changed a lot and is going to stay the way it is for a while. So now I’m going to be penalized with the amount of money I’ll receive because I had a few good months :( Argh.
Ok I guess that’s enough of me complaining for tonight!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
love coward
i was writing this the other day just to get it out and debated whether or not i wanted to actually post it as a blog. im still not sure it's the best idea... but it is my blog and i do have a right to say whatever the fuck i wanna say. dont i? well, here it is.
i was watching tv the other day and there was a wedding scene where the bride comes to the balcony before going to the stairs she is to walk down. it pans back to the groom and there are tears welling up in the corners of his eyes and i thought for a moment, "wow, what would it feel like to be loved like that? to be loved in such a way that it makes someone physically emotional." it wasnt a fake movie scene, it was two real people and their wedding. it was real life, real love.
i dont dwell on these such things because in reality, i dont feel like im anywhere ready to get married to anyone. but the idea of one day having that, well, its something i do want. it made me think about how i have the capacity to love someone like that. right now, i care about someone very much and i do feel like i love them. for me the issue is that i feel unable to tell them. more, its simply not being able to say the words, "i love you."
i would like to, every day, say "i love you" and know that it was okay. okay to feel that love, okay to say it. It's actually quite painful to feel something and feel like you have to conceal it. I have a hard time believing this man doesnt KNOW that i love him. He would seriously have to be a complete idiot. but it's not enough to just know; not to me. it means so much more to be able to say it and to hear it and to know it.
i am a very expressive person. ive always been extremely caring and fully capable of showing people how i feel about them, good or bad. even now, im sitting here across from this man that i love and im DEBATING inside of my mind if i can tell him that i love him! do i have the guts to open my mouth and speak? i dont. i really do not; and i hate it.
it feels so stupid and should be so easy. why am i so afraid? i really believe it is fear that keeps my lips sealed and my feelings inside of me. im afraid of losing him. im afraid that loving him will scare the shit out of him. i think that by not saying it and just assuming he knows is so much safer. but then i have to consider that if i fear losing someone because i care about them deeply, is this person really worth it?
another sad part for me is i am left to wonder if I'M loved. it isnt a good feeling to be unsure of how someone feels about you. sometimes i FEEL loved but it doesnt compete with hearing it, knowing it for sure. i do want to be told, "cort, i love you." i dont know why that seems so important. can you imagine being with someone almost every day and never hearing "i love you?" what if something happened to them or you... and you die wondering or not knowing with certainty that you were actually LOVED; not just cared for.
maybe im making too big a deal of it all. but maybe im not. i guess i dont really know. all i know is that id rather not be a coward but i dont know how not to be.
i dont dwell on these such things because in reality, i dont feel like im anywhere ready to get married to anyone. but the idea of one day having that, well, its something i do want. it made me think about how i have the capacity to love someone like that. right now, i care about someone very much and i do feel like i love them. for me the issue is that i feel unable to tell them. more, its simply not being able to say the words, "i love you."
i would like to, every day, say "i love you" and know that it was okay. okay to feel that love, okay to say it. It's actually quite painful to feel something and feel like you have to conceal it. I have a hard time believing this man doesnt KNOW that i love him. He would seriously have to be a complete idiot. but it's not enough to just know; not to me. it means so much more to be able to say it and to hear it and to know it.
i am a very expressive person. ive always been extremely caring and fully capable of showing people how i feel about them, good or bad. even now, im sitting here across from this man that i love and im DEBATING inside of my mind if i can tell him that i love him! do i have the guts to open my mouth and speak? i dont. i really do not; and i hate it.
it feels so stupid and should be so easy. why am i so afraid? i really believe it is fear that keeps my lips sealed and my feelings inside of me. im afraid of losing him. im afraid that loving him will scare the shit out of him. i think that by not saying it and just assuming he knows is so much safer. but then i have to consider that if i fear losing someone because i care about them deeply, is this person really worth it?
another sad part for me is i am left to wonder if I'M loved. it isnt a good feeling to be unsure of how someone feels about you. sometimes i FEEL loved but it doesnt compete with hearing it, knowing it for sure. i do want to be told, "cort, i love you." i dont know why that seems so important. can you imagine being with someone almost every day and never hearing "i love you?" what if something happened to them or you... and you die wondering or not knowing with certainty that you were actually LOVED; not just cared for.
maybe im making too big a deal of it all. but maybe im not. i guess i dont really know. all i know is that id rather not be a coward but i dont know how not to be.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
i hate old bitches who cant drive
ok so im a little pissed off. back in march, literally like a month after i bought my car, i was in the wal-mart parking lot getting ready to leave. i was parked to the right of a very large truck in one of those parking rows that have two ways. i was parked in the right row, driving away from the wal-mart store and started to back out... i looked all around me and proceeded to back out. as soon as i had stopped and turned my head to look in front of me and just as i was shifting into drive, i hear a nice loud SMACK!
there is a fucking old lady in a topless sebring with the right ass-end of her car pretty much IN my taillight. im thinking, are you fucking kidding me? where did this bitch COME FROM!? she pulls into a spot on the opposite side of the aisle, where she SHOULD have been driving in the direction TOWARDS the wal-mart store to park there. or maybe she was backing out of there?!?! i have no IDEA!!
the only situation that makes any sense as to what happened is this: i was backing out of my spot, this woman was approaching my vehicle from behind, sees a parking spot on the opposite side of the aisle and tries to speedily get into the spot before i fully pull out. Im the most pissed because I WASNT EVEN MOVING WHEN SHE HIT ME! so she tries this maneuver... OR she backed her car out into me, i have no clue. because she was nowhere to be found when i was backing out.
we get out of our cars and im pretty shocked, my entire taillight is fucked up and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her car. im pissed because i just bought my car and i cant believe it. she proceeds to tell me that shes going to call the cops because shes been in accidents (multiple accidents) before where the other driver did not have insurance... i have NEVER been in a car accident before... let alone an accident involving another driver. im pissed because im giving her all my insurance information and now i have to wait for police to arrive. i felt bad for jose because this was all during his lunch break but thankful because he witnessed the entire thing.
when the cop shows up we explain what happened and i mention to him that she might have been driving behind me and decides to basically bust a U-ey to get into the opposite spot. i ask him what the "rules" on this are because this just tells me that this fucking lady is an inconsiderate and shitty driver... who the hell speeds into an opposite parking space when there is someone fucking backing out in front of you... how does she not see me stopped in the middle of the lane??? i was parked aside a very large truck and i dont back out of spaces like speedy gonzalez. this can not have been my fault. there is no way.
the officer writes up the report and basically says that no one is getting a ticket or arrested or anything because no one is "at fault." whatever. im pissed about my taillight but figure rather than getting my insurance involved to pay for it, ill just take care of it when i can.
over the past month or so i have been getting random notices in the mail from some subrogation firm requesting i pay damages of $1500... are you fucking kidding me!?!? im the one with a broken taillight and damage to my car... this lady had not a scratch on her fucking vehicle and she sure as hell didnt require medical attention. she even went shopping after the cop left! what the FUCK is going on?! im not paying anyone fucking anything... especially when i didn't do anything wrong! i did everything you're supposed to do. i have a witness and her driving is BULLSHIT. where the hell does $1500 in damages even come from? and what the hell gives her or her insurance the right to try to make me pay for something that A) wasnt my fault and B) wasnt even damaged! i just dont get it. its not right and its not fair. it makes NO sense.
i needed to vent. I'm just so upset about this. nothing like this has EVER happened to me and im wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else. i sent my necessary insurance information to this company when they first asked for it months ago but now im getting more notices... bottom line is im not paying for something that wasnt damaged and that i didnt damage! UGH!
there is a fucking old lady in a topless sebring with the right ass-end of her car pretty much IN my taillight. im thinking, are you fucking kidding me? where did this bitch COME FROM!? she pulls into a spot on the opposite side of the aisle, where she SHOULD have been driving in the direction TOWARDS the wal-mart store to park there. or maybe she was backing out of there?!?! i have no IDEA!!
the only situation that makes any sense as to what happened is this: i was backing out of my spot, this woman was approaching my vehicle from behind, sees a parking spot on the opposite side of the aisle and tries to speedily get into the spot before i fully pull out. Im the most pissed because I WASNT EVEN MOVING WHEN SHE HIT ME! so she tries this maneuver... OR she backed her car out into me, i have no clue. because she was nowhere to be found when i was backing out.
we get out of our cars and im pretty shocked, my entire taillight is fucked up and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her car. im pissed because i just bought my car and i cant believe it. she proceeds to tell me that shes going to call the cops because shes been in accidents (multiple accidents) before where the other driver did not have insurance... i have NEVER been in a car accident before... let alone an accident involving another driver. im pissed because im giving her all my insurance information and now i have to wait for police to arrive. i felt bad for jose because this was all during his lunch break but thankful because he witnessed the entire thing.
when the cop shows up we explain what happened and i mention to him that she might have been driving behind me and decides to basically bust a U-ey to get into the opposite spot. i ask him what the "rules" on this are because this just tells me that this fucking lady is an inconsiderate and shitty driver... who the hell speeds into an opposite parking space when there is someone fucking backing out in front of you... how does she not see me stopped in the middle of the lane??? i was parked aside a very large truck and i dont back out of spaces like speedy gonzalez. this can not have been my fault. there is no way.
the officer writes up the report and basically says that no one is getting a ticket or arrested or anything because no one is "at fault." whatever. im pissed about my taillight but figure rather than getting my insurance involved to pay for it, ill just take care of it when i can.
over the past month or so i have been getting random notices in the mail from some subrogation firm requesting i pay damages of $1500... are you fucking kidding me!?!? im the one with a broken taillight and damage to my car... this lady had not a scratch on her fucking vehicle and she sure as hell didnt require medical attention. she even went shopping after the cop left! what the FUCK is going on?! im not paying anyone fucking anything... especially when i didn't do anything wrong! i did everything you're supposed to do. i have a witness and her driving is BULLSHIT. where the hell does $1500 in damages even come from? and what the hell gives her or her insurance the right to try to make me pay for something that A) wasnt my fault and B) wasnt even damaged! i just dont get it. its not right and its not fair. it makes NO sense.
i needed to vent. I'm just so upset about this. nothing like this has EVER happened to me and im wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else. i sent my necessary insurance information to this company when they first asked for it months ago but now im getting more notices... bottom line is im not paying for something that wasnt damaged and that i didnt damage! UGH!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
manipulated once again
I don’t understand how I can be a 25 year old single mother living on my own and still feel like someone is always telling me what I can and can not do. Its frustrating having to compromise the things I either want or need so that I don’t make someone else angry. Riley’s father is so incredibly manipulative and controlling. For some reason he seems to think that his activities (tennis mostly; which he plays anywhere from 1 to 3 times a week) are so much more important than my own. If he isn’t PLAYING tennis then he is hanging out at the tennis courts, dragging Riley along with him pretty much every time.
As of late I haven’t been able to tend many, if any at all, of my Zumba classes. I have been going to Zumba since probably around December of last year. I was introduced to it by Jose’s sister Marisol, and I attended classes basically every Tuesday and Thursday when I could get out of work on time. This never conflicted with Kenny’s ridiculous amounts of tennis. He somehow now seems to think that he’s been playing tennis every Tuesday since before I left him. People, that is OVER 3 YEARS AGO! He tells me that, “you’re Zumba is on Thursdays. I play tennis on Tuesdays.” I can’t help but to think, “when in the hell did you start to fucking dictate my life and tell me on which days I am to exercise!?”
It isn’t just the Zumba. This man literally wants to control every aspect of everything that has anything remotely close to do with something that might affect him. He wants to tell me what time I should get out of work. He wants to tell me to work 5 days a week. He wants to tell me I should go back to school. He wants to tell me who I should date and even then, he will hate every man I attempt a relationship with. WHEN THE HELL IS IT EVER GOING TO END?
Currently, Kenny is dating a woman named Lori. As far as I know they are dating, and I couldn’t care one bit about it. My only concern is whether or not this woman is good to my daughter. Why the hell would I care about anything other than that?
If I had known that having a child with someone would mean that they somehow had CONTROL over my every day fucking life, I would have been more cautious going into this! Why is HE not affected by my distaste for how much tennis he plays or how often he goes out and gets shit-faced? Why does it not work if I just simply say THIS IS WHAT I AM DOING AND THAT IS THE WAY IT IS? Why doesn’t HE bend over backwards not to piss ME off? I always fold, and change what I’m doing for my daughter. At least it feels that way. Sometimes I try incredibly hard to stand my ground and be firm with what I say I’m going to do. But then I just know that I’m going to have to deal with him yelling and screaming and telling me how much I DON’T love my child. IT’S ANGERING!
What would you do? Would you continue to basically let someone else run your life for the sake of your child or being accused that you don’t CARE about your kid?! I continually just do whatever Kenny wants to avoid his bullshit. I know I need to manage and dictate my own life and schedule… but how do I do that and avoid all the crap that comes with it? Any advice or insight would be appreciated!
Thanks for reading!
As of late I haven’t been able to tend many, if any at all, of my Zumba classes. I have been going to Zumba since probably around December of last year. I was introduced to it by Jose’s sister Marisol, and I attended classes basically every Tuesday and Thursday when I could get out of work on time. This never conflicted with Kenny’s ridiculous amounts of tennis. He somehow now seems to think that he’s been playing tennis every Tuesday since before I left him. People, that is OVER 3 YEARS AGO! He tells me that, “you’re Zumba is on Thursdays. I play tennis on Tuesdays.” I can’t help but to think, “when in the hell did you start to fucking dictate my life and tell me on which days I am to exercise!?”
It isn’t just the Zumba. This man literally wants to control every aspect of everything that has anything remotely close to do with something that might affect him. He wants to tell me what time I should get out of work. He wants to tell me to work 5 days a week. He wants to tell me I should go back to school. He wants to tell me who I should date and even then, he will hate every man I attempt a relationship with. WHEN THE HELL IS IT EVER GOING TO END?
Currently, Kenny is dating a woman named Lori. As far as I know they are dating, and I couldn’t care one bit about it. My only concern is whether or not this woman is good to my daughter. Why the hell would I care about anything other than that?
If I had known that having a child with someone would mean that they somehow had CONTROL over my every day fucking life, I would have been more cautious going into this! Why is HE not affected by my distaste for how much tennis he plays or how often he goes out and gets shit-faced? Why does it not work if I just simply say THIS IS WHAT I AM DOING AND THAT IS THE WAY IT IS? Why doesn’t HE bend over backwards not to piss ME off? I always fold, and change what I’m doing for my daughter. At least it feels that way. Sometimes I try incredibly hard to stand my ground and be firm with what I say I’m going to do. But then I just know that I’m going to have to deal with him yelling and screaming and telling me how much I DON’T love my child. IT’S ANGERING!
What would you do? Would you continue to basically let someone else run your life for the sake of your child or being accused that you don’t CARE about your kid?! I continually just do whatever Kenny wants to avoid his bullshit. I know I need to manage and dictate my own life and schedule… but how do I do that and avoid all the crap that comes with it? Any advice or insight would be appreciated!
Thanks for reading!
Monday, December 20, 2010
always moving
i often feel like i just never get to sit down. I know that that is not entirely true but I'm always doing something and its often not even for myself. I'm back and forth between two apartments; always cleaning, always putting something away, doing laundry, or dishes. I need a break. I don't feel like i HAVE to do all these things in both places but I always feel like I'm trying to take the stress off someone else. Someone who works a lot more than i (normally) do and often works 5 or 6 days straight. So i DO just want to help. But, i want help too.
However, I cant say that I haven't been extremely fortunate for other kinds of help. Just this past Friday my paycheck was not deposited into my new account because my company did not get my updated bank information. I had $9.76 in the bank and i cried 4 times that day. Jose took $100 out of the bank as a pay advance so that once my money was deposited, I could just pay him back. He has been so amazing and understanding with my money issues these past few weeks. He has been so helpful and calming to me. I am so grateful.
I guess the Christmas season has just weighed on me, and I am soooo over it. I just cant wait for it to be over already. I want to get back to normal life without the stress of the holidays looming overhead.
Ok, I guess I'm just complaining :) But I'm allowed to... It's my blog and I'll do what I wanna do!
However, I cant say that I haven't been extremely fortunate for other kinds of help. Just this past Friday my paycheck was not deposited into my new account because my company did not get my updated bank information. I had $9.76 in the bank and i cried 4 times that day. Jose took $100 out of the bank as a pay advance so that once my money was deposited, I could just pay him back. He has been so amazing and understanding with my money issues these past few weeks. He has been so helpful and calming to me. I am so grateful.
I guess the Christmas season has just weighed on me, and I am soooo over it. I just cant wait for it to be over already. I want to get back to normal life without the stress of the holidays looming overhead.
Ok, I guess I'm just complaining :) But I'm allowed to... It's my blog and I'll do what I wanna do!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
If I didn't already have enough stress...
There just has to be something predominantly stressful in my life. For a lot of people, it's work, or money, or their kids. My most stressful thing in life is my daughter's father. Sometimes I feel like I actually don't hate him... but then when things like tonight happen, I'm reminded that hate is a very strong word and I most certainly HATE that mother fucker.
In my job, during the Holiday season, I work long hour days; anywhere from 7-12 hours. Often I have to work until "close". Which means we "close" at 8 pm but my job is not complete and I cannot leave my place of business until my last customer is out the door and all of my other required tasks are completed. Tonight I had a late-ish customer and then I had to complete a full inventory. I did not get out of work until almost 9:45. Kenny decides to call me around 8:30 or so and ask me what is going on and where I am. I tell him I'm stuck at work and I have to do inventory and I'm not sure when I'll be through. He tells me to come get Riley when I'm done. He calls me about a half hour or so later, bitching and screaming at me because It's late and I still havent picked up Riley. I tell him that I cant just leave work because he wants me to. He keeps yelling at me screaming that im fucking him over and calling me a cunt and all sorts of other things. He wants to go out and now its late and fuck me and im gonna pay for this etc. WHAT THE FUCK! He keeps yelling and hangs up on me and I'm confused because it's vague as to how the conversation ends and I'm unsure if I'm still going to pick up Riley from his house.
I call him back and talking to him is nearly impossible, and pointless. I'm angry and on the verge of crying because he is basically telling me that he's going to do whatever he wants and doesnt care about whether or not I have to work and not to expect "any help" from him. I take this to mean exactly what he is implying. He is going to do something this week to fuck me over and jeopardize my job.
I finally finish up work and start to head over to his house so that I can pick up my daughter. It's late but it's the weekend, it will be only about 10 pm by the time I get there. I actually even offered him dropping her off AT my work so that he could go out and drink and do whatever the hell it was he was so pissed about. He obviously declines, because he is an asshole. I get over to his house and knock on the door. He immediately throws open the door and starts screaming at me and cursing. Meanwhile, I hear Riley in the background crying. I say something loudly for her to hear and kenny flies out of the house and starts to push me with his chest, kind of hitting me with it and shoving me. I tell him not to fucking touch me in any way and he's screaming fuck you, get the fuck out of here, fucking cunt.
I tell him I am not leaving without my child and he needs to calm the hell down. He threatens to call the police and I tell him to. Go ahead. He slams the door and is yelling at Riley to be quiet, stop crying, etc while she is hysterically crying saying she wants to come home with me and that she wants her mommy. I loudly say, it's ok Riley, mommy is still here. He comes out the house again yelling obscenities and threatening to call the police. His neighbor (and landlord) Jim is walking over and trying to say something to me, asking me who has custody and saying that he doesnt want the cops here. I said, great for you buddy, i am not leaving without my daughter, cops or not. She is crying hysterically inside the house for me and Kenny is refusing to let her leave.
After a few more minutes and kenny in and out of the house and more screaming at me, I can hear Riley inside, exhausted and extremely upset, crying to her dad to let her please see me and come with me. Finally he lets her come outside to me and calls me a few more choice names and slams his door. I feel so bad for Riley that he has to put her in such a terrible position. He's angry at me for WORKING LATE, which is fine, what the fuck ever, that's his prerogative, but he's really taking that anger out on Riley by denying her what she really wants- ME!
I'm so frustrated. I dont know what the hell to do with this fucking asshole anymore. He constantly bitches and complains if i am working late or over the POSSIBILITY he might need to keep her with him for an extra night. He gets 3 nights a week and he refuses to take her a 4th at any cost. It's fucking pathetic. I dont get it. I am at my wit's end. Nothing stresses me out more than having to deal with his fucking immaturity and bullshit. He's a 28 year old infant.
i just keep hoping he will grow up... and fast.
In my job, during the Holiday season, I work long hour days; anywhere from 7-12 hours. Often I have to work until "close". Which means we "close" at 8 pm but my job is not complete and I cannot leave my place of business until my last customer is out the door and all of my other required tasks are completed. Tonight I had a late-ish customer and then I had to complete a full inventory. I did not get out of work until almost 9:45. Kenny decides to call me around 8:30 or so and ask me what is going on and where I am. I tell him I'm stuck at work and I have to do inventory and I'm not sure when I'll be through. He tells me to come get Riley when I'm done. He calls me about a half hour or so later, bitching and screaming at me because It's late and I still havent picked up Riley. I tell him that I cant just leave work because he wants me to. He keeps yelling at me screaming that im fucking him over and calling me a cunt and all sorts of other things. He wants to go out and now its late and fuck me and im gonna pay for this etc. WHAT THE FUCK! He keeps yelling and hangs up on me and I'm confused because it's vague as to how the conversation ends and I'm unsure if I'm still going to pick up Riley from his house.
I call him back and talking to him is nearly impossible, and pointless. I'm angry and on the verge of crying because he is basically telling me that he's going to do whatever he wants and doesnt care about whether or not I have to work and not to expect "any help" from him. I take this to mean exactly what he is implying. He is going to do something this week to fuck me over and jeopardize my job.
I finally finish up work and start to head over to his house so that I can pick up my daughter. It's late but it's the weekend, it will be only about 10 pm by the time I get there. I actually even offered him dropping her off AT my work so that he could go out and drink and do whatever the hell it was he was so pissed about. He obviously declines, because he is an asshole. I get over to his house and knock on the door. He immediately throws open the door and starts screaming at me and cursing. Meanwhile, I hear Riley in the background crying. I say something loudly for her to hear and kenny flies out of the house and starts to push me with his chest, kind of hitting me with it and shoving me. I tell him not to fucking touch me in any way and he's screaming fuck you, get the fuck out of here, fucking cunt.
I tell him I am not leaving without my child and he needs to calm the hell down. He threatens to call the police and I tell him to. Go ahead. He slams the door and is yelling at Riley to be quiet, stop crying, etc while she is hysterically crying saying she wants to come home with me and that she wants her mommy. I loudly say, it's ok Riley, mommy is still here. He comes out the house again yelling obscenities and threatening to call the police. His neighbor (and landlord) Jim is walking over and trying to say something to me, asking me who has custody and saying that he doesnt want the cops here. I said, great for you buddy, i am not leaving without my daughter, cops or not. She is crying hysterically inside the house for me and Kenny is refusing to let her leave.
After a few more minutes and kenny in and out of the house and more screaming at me, I can hear Riley inside, exhausted and extremely upset, crying to her dad to let her please see me and come with me. Finally he lets her come outside to me and calls me a few more choice names and slams his door. I feel so bad for Riley that he has to put her in such a terrible position. He's angry at me for WORKING LATE, which is fine, what the fuck ever, that's his prerogative, but he's really taking that anger out on Riley by denying her what she really wants- ME!
I'm so frustrated. I dont know what the hell to do with this fucking asshole anymore. He constantly bitches and complains if i am working late or over the POSSIBILITY he might need to keep her with him for an extra night. He gets 3 nights a week and he refuses to take her a 4th at any cost. It's fucking pathetic. I dont get it. I am at my wit's end. Nothing stresses me out more than having to deal with his fucking immaturity and bullshit. He's a 28 year old infant.
i just keep hoping he will grow up... and fast.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Apparently I'm an asshole. Regardless of the things I've said to the people who deserve to hear them, the only thing that stays is words I've written.
My intention was never to hurt anyone that I love and for that i am extremely sorry.
Anyone reading this, if your general thoughts of me as a human being, friend, sister, mother, (or whatever other role I play) are negative or shitty then fuck off. Don't read my blog. Don't think about my words. I don't need, nor do I want, you in my life.
I deleted my previous blog for one reason only. My mother. If What I wrote was going to hurt or affect her in any way then I want to take those words away and apologize. I love my mother more than I thought I ever was able to. Growing up we were not close, and I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with her now for anything. I am not a perfect person or a perfect child and at the ripe age of 25 I'm still learning. fuck everyone; I'm able to admit that. I never want anything I say to affect or hurt my mom in any way. This woman has done so much for me and for my daughter and I will forever be grateful of that.
There are many people who love and care for my child. I appreciate these people for that reason alone. I'm grateful to anyone who shows Riley kindness and acceptance. She is an amazing kid. But I would rather forfeit your presence in hers or my life if your efforts are at the expense of the kind of person you think me to be. There are plenty of people who actually KNOW me and care to know me that also love my child I don't need your negativity around me or Riley. She can do without you too. I'm the most important person in her world and your thoughts or attitudes about me affect my relationship with her. She's the most important thing in MY world and I'm not jeopardizing my relationship with her because you think I'm an asshole.
Maybe I'm a thoughtless piece of shit and I speak before I think. It's always going to turn to the point where I'm criticized for that and told to change. Well maybe in 25 years if I haven't changed or have been unable to, maybe I should be accepted at face value. Cortney acts or speaks before she thinks. Well fuck. Maybe that's how she is. Seeing as she's been this way all her life.
I digress. I'm sick of the way certain people make me feel regardless of whether or not the situation is even ABOUT me. You can't stop your feelings just because someone tells you to. It would be nice but it isn't reality. And if you make me FEEL like shit then I have every right to deny your access and presence in my life. And yes my life includes Riley because well she IS my life. Living and breathing every day.
So I'm thinking that writing this isn't going to matter at all. It's going to be backwards. If I write something good or apologetic it certainly will hold no weight. Only the negative things I write could possibly hold any weight. Otherwise that would mean that the actual words of thanks and appreciation were ignored?!?! How could that be!!! But that's exactly how it will be.
In any case. If any of YOU assholes reading this can tell me where to reach my mother (I've been calling her all morning) it would be great.
Mom, I'm sorry. And I love and appreciate all the things you do. Please forgive my hurtful words.
My intention was never to hurt anyone that I love and for that i am extremely sorry.
Anyone reading this, if your general thoughts of me as a human being, friend, sister, mother, (or whatever other role I play) are negative or shitty then fuck off. Don't read my blog. Don't think about my words. I don't need, nor do I want, you in my life.
I deleted my previous blog for one reason only. My mother. If What I wrote was going to hurt or affect her in any way then I want to take those words away and apologize. I love my mother more than I thought I ever was able to. Growing up we were not close, and I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with her now for anything. I am not a perfect person or a perfect child and at the ripe age of 25 I'm still learning. fuck everyone; I'm able to admit that. I never want anything I say to affect or hurt my mom in any way. This woman has done so much for me and for my daughter and I will forever be grateful of that.
There are many people who love and care for my child. I appreciate these people for that reason alone. I'm grateful to anyone who shows Riley kindness and acceptance. She is an amazing kid. But I would rather forfeit your presence in hers or my life if your efforts are at the expense of the kind of person you think me to be. There are plenty of people who actually KNOW me and care to know me that also love my child I don't need your negativity around me or Riley. She can do without you too. I'm the most important person in her world and your thoughts or attitudes about me affect my relationship with her. She's the most important thing in MY world and I'm not jeopardizing my relationship with her because you think I'm an asshole.
Maybe I'm a thoughtless piece of shit and I speak before I think. It's always going to turn to the point where I'm criticized for that and told to change. Well maybe in 25 years if I haven't changed or have been unable to, maybe I should be accepted at face value. Cortney acts or speaks before she thinks. Well fuck. Maybe that's how she is. Seeing as she's been this way all her life.
I digress. I'm sick of the way certain people make me feel regardless of whether or not the situation is even ABOUT me. You can't stop your feelings just because someone tells you to. It would be nice but it isn't reality. And if you make me FEEL like shit then I have every right to deny your access and presence in my life. And yes my life includes Riley because well she IS my life. Living and breathing every day.
So I'm thinking that writing this isn't going to matter at all. It's going to be backwards. If I write something good or apologetic it certainly will hold no weight. Only the negative things I write could possibly hold any weight. Otherwise that would mean that the actual words of thanks and appreciation were ignored?!?! How could that be!!! But that's exactly how it will be.
In any case. If any of YOU assholes reading this can tell me where to reach my mother (I've been calling her all morning) it would be great.
Mom, I'm sorry. And I love and appreciate all the things you do. Please forgive my hurtful words.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Random Sadness
Today was a low day. I was irritable and mopey. I know my feelings in no way shape or form had anything to do with Black Friday so that assumption is out.
Today I felt lonely and sad. I dont know what it was but I was a sad grump and though I felt sad, i had little patience and I took it out on my daughter. I was unnecessarily short towards her and I shouted a few times. Jose noticed something was wrong and while he tried to ask me what was wrong, I didnt really feel like talking about it.
Sometimes I feel like I need more personal attention. More affection. More of whatever it is that makes a person really feel wanted and needed and cared for. But I cant imagine asking for that. I guess I feel like I shouldn't have to ask, maybe I just don't really deserve it or something.
I didn't really want to be alone tonight; In my apartment. I can't entirely explain why. I think I wanted the affection I feel has been put on the sidelines for the past quite a few days or more. I thought maybe for some reason, tonight would be different.
I'm watching television and I'm by myself and it kinda feels like crap. So I guess I'll close my eyes and just be alone and pretend I'm not bothered by it.
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