Nick

Growing up, my brother and I were pretty close. We were pretty much best friends. As kids we did everything together. We played with the same neighborhood friends and had fun doing the same stuff. We used to build forts, make mud stew, play sports, ride bikes, pretend to be Rambo (and Rambina) or Power Rangers, and get in lots of trouble. We even took turns taking the blame for shit. We knew that we were probably gonna get busted so we had to decide beforehand whose turn it was to take the heat.

My dad used to have this yellow construction string that he used for stuff. It was pretty expensive and he kept it out in his garage. If it was in his garage, it was probably expensive and you probably shouldn’t fuck with it… but we stole it one day and decided it would be awesome to make a huge spider web by tying it to random everything in my brother’s room. It was awesome! We got in trouble of course but I have no idea who took the blame on that one.

We obviously fought and argued like any brother and sister would but we always ended up making up and then doing other crazy shit together.

One of our favorite things to do was take our sectional couch and push it together to make a square. This was our wrestling and fighting arena and it was the best. It was also the base to our fort-making and where we would eat many bags of popcorn and chips dipped in ketchup and millions of bagels with cream cheese. We once had this kick where we would dip pepperoni into pizza sauce. Until we spilled sauce on the rug and begged our mom not to tell our dad because he would probably beat us. We even blew up the glass plate in the microwave because we thought it would be a better idea to cook two bags of popcorn at the same time… These were also the days of our food inventions. One of the only ones I can remember consisted of spoonfuls of fluff, peanut butter, a mashed banana, and some chocolate syrup. I remember it because I make it still to this day for my daughter (who am I kidding, and for me!)

Those were good times. We got older and moved to a new state and I don’t really know how or why anymore but we kinda stopped being friends. I would sometimes spend a few hours hanging out with him while he played computer games, cheering him on. That was all good and fine. But then, for some reason, he started to hate me. To my recollection I never stole from him (I was a classic klepto as a teen. I would take shit from my sisters regularly and swear up and down that I didn’t) or did anything in particular to cause this, but he hated me.

I always wished that that were different. I really love my brother. I even wrote an essay about him in college. It was one of the few times we got along after we moved and it was about building an igloo with him one winter. But still to this day, the kid pretty much hates me. Or he just has no interest in being my friend anymore. Its really sad and it makes ME really sad. I’m interested in his life and where he’s going or what he wants to do. And I want the best for him. I miss having a little brother. When I moved back to Florida, I lost all my chances for making things right with him and I realize that now at 27, I’ll probably never have the opportunity at the kind of friendship with him I wish I had. It sucks.

Riley is his first niece. He has 3 other niece and nephews by my second sister and from what I hear he’s a really good uncle. We are missing out on that. Riley is missing out on that and it‘s disappointing. I feel like my brother would never give me the chance or the time of day to rebuild our relationship. He doesn’t answer my texts so I never bother to call. That was supposed to be my lifelong buddy! He makes me feel like I suck. I did something so terrible that I can never take it away and I don’t even know what it is! He doesn’t even know what it is!

At a certain age and point in my life, I wasn’t the easiest person to get along with. I know that. I had a lot of shit going on inside me and I never knew how to handle it. I don’t think anyone ever really knew that. I mean, how could they, when I hardly knew it myself. But I guess I just wish things were different. I wish I had a brother again. Even if we fought or disagreed sometimes, it at least it would mean we were still talking. I talk to my brother maybe once a year, when I’m visiting. And even then that’s all it is. A small conversation here or there. I don’t know what else to do. I guess there’s nothing for me TO do anymore.

I know you aren’t reading this, Nick… but if you ever do. I love you little bro and I miss you!

Starting Anew

I realize it's been devastatingly long since I last posted. SO much has happened over these past months that I don't even really know where to begin. Most things are not important and since this isn't a diary, a play by play of my months are not necessary.

So really the most important thing to state here is I am now gainfully employed! I lost my job and a month later I found something else and I have been working hard ever since. I enjoy my job. I'm a merchandise specialist inside of a major retail store and I am very busy. I wont get into all of the specifics because who really cares? I started this job knowing it was a part time position and I was completely satisfied with that. thats all i really need with my daughter in school and really having no one else to take care of her, i carry this weight on my own. her dad works and she is in his care 3 days a week so at least I am not COMPLETELY alone. because of this, i have been lucky. and also, i DOhave the most amazing boyfriend a woman could ask for and he gladly cares for my Riley if I need him to.

Shortly after I started this job, my boss came to me and asked me if I would be interested in taking the opening full time position which would include a promotion and more money. I would be doing her job alongside her in the neighboring area. I had to think long and hard about this. This job is VERY demanding and weighing how much money I would have started out with vs. how much time lost and money spent on daycare for my daughter, i had to turn it down. it would NOT be worth it. I dont know about you but I dont want to come home every night around 6 or 7 and have an hour with my kid before its time to bathe her and put her to bed. FUCK THAT. its not worth it to me to spend half my money paying someone else to take care of her when I could just be doing it myself. i enjoy time with my kid and shes like my little best friend. so i turned it down and im very glad i did. i ended up getting more hours in my current position anyways so im doing jusssttt fine.

ANYWAYS! i have so many blog ideas brewing in my head and i cant wait to delve into them. a list of my thought processes are as follows:
stupid people
resentment
family
growing up
holding a grudge
getting what you want
and a few other random shits.

I may even just start and post in the next few hours... or days... we shall see. For now, if youre still reading this and i havent lost you yet, thanks. i promise my posts wont be as mundane and boring as this all the time. and i also promise that im going to pour my heart out. im going to say how i feel and be damned if someone has a problem with it. im tired of censoring and worrying about everyone else. fuck that! ive been the only one taking care of me so i just gotta express me for me! i write for me. i appreciate you reading me but im not trying to impress you :)

hope to see you again soon

hurricane fever

well, it has been far too long since i have posted. almost two months. i just didnt want to post in sadness or anger AGAIN!
in june i lost my job and was unemployed for a little over a month. it was the worst! i tried to stay positive and not become depressed. soon enough i was getting phone calls for interviews. strangely, jobs i was highly qualified for were not calling me back and i was getting restless. finally in the second week of july, i was hired into a merchandising company and i couldnt be happier. im loving the job and my boss (just wish i had some more hours!)
currently, im stuck in Massachusetts. I flew up here to attend one of my best friend's weddings which was scheduled for tomorrow morning. Due to Hurricane Irene, the wedding was actually cancelled and they will be rescheduling the day. Because of this, he and his fiance decided to marry in front of close family and very few friends at their rehearsal dinner! it was an exciting and spur-of-the-moment thing to do... and as you can imagine, it wasnt exactly seamless! the bride was absolutely stunning and i was so happy to be there for my friend. not a part of the wedding party, this change of plans allowed me to be included and involved in a way that would not have been possible. i help set up flowers and fix the runner, and get flowers for bridesmaids and bride and take photos of the event.
im assuming on the day of the rescheduled wedding that all of the vendors involved will do their thing; photographer, caterer, videographer, and whomever else. it will probably make the pictures i took seem amateur and unneeded. though, its nice to have photos from the REAL nuptials and not just the repeat.
anyways, Hurricane Irene is due to pass through sometime tomorrow, causing flooding rains and possibly some downed trees. the flight i scheduled to return home on monday was cancelled so now im stuck here for an extra day. its not THAT big of a deal and im happy to be able to see my niece and nephews but i miss my daughter and my boyfriend. i just want to say how much i love my boyfriend. he is so great and wonderful and i am so very lucky to have him as a part of my life. i hope he feels the same!
i guess i dont really have too much to talk about at this point in time. im kinda bored and a little bit lonely, even though i just played some rockband with my mom and sister.
i think i might watch a movie while laying in bed... and catch up on my Words with Friends!

Financial Stress!

I hate writing when I’m frustrated or angry. I don’t like to think that I only have something to say when I’m upset. In any case, right now I’m feeling somewhat stressed about money. Child support in particular.

Recently, Riley’s dad and I went down to child support because they withheld his tax return, claiming that he owed me money. Everything between Kenny and I financially has been settled and even, so this was confusing. We signed a paper stating that he did not owe me this money etc. A few days later, I get a letter in the mail from child support enforcement claiming that they have found in their records that they overpaid me somewhere around $1400 LAST APRIL! And now they are requesting/demanding that I repay this amount! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I called Kenny to let him know what the heck was going on and he basically agreed that I do not owe him anything and that we are on the same page- everything is even and up to date and no one owes anyone anything. He did also say that if I had to repay anything in any way that he would give it back to me. All he cared about was getting the $3000 from the EAC on my taxes, which I had already agreed to give him.

It is just soooo frustrating to have something like this happen. And on top of that, just the thought that they are that fucking unorganized to think I was overpaid in such a large sum of money. As a struggling single mother, the idea of having to pay that kind of money BACK is even more angering!

I am hoping that by contacting them and getting something signed also by Kenny stating that I do not owe him anything will solve and clear it all up. It will be even more annoying to have to have money withheld from my child support, only to have him give it back to me. UGH!

OH and I haven’t mentioned that I’m also getting collection letters from some company named Stephen Michaels & Associates claiming I have a bill in collections with them from the hospital when I had conjunctivitis. This is complete and utter BULLSHIT because Medicaid paid that bill 3 months after the date of service. Neither the hospital nor the ER doctor sent my bill into collections, as I have asked for itemized bills with proof that the sum had been paid.

So I guess my next step is to demand that this company send me proof that I owe this debt and provide me with information on the date of service and total cost etc. GRRRRR… these things are so stressful!

I also need to go back to the health department for a physical and other check up things AND I need to reapply for food stamps which I don’t think I’m going to qualify for anymore. I had worked a lot more these past few months because of how short staffed we are and that has changed a lot and is going to stay the way it is for a while. So now I’m going to be penalized with the amount of money I’ll receive because I had a few good months :(  Argh.

Ok I guess that’s enough of me complaining for tonight!

love coward

i was writing this the other day just to get it out and debated whether or not i wanted to actually post it as a blog. im still not sure it's the best idea... but it is my blog and i do have a right to say whatever the fuck i wanna say. dont i? well, here it is.

i was watching tv the other day and there was a wedding scene where the bride comes to the balcony before going to the stairs she is to walk down. it pans back to the groom and there are tears welling up in the corners of his eyes and i thought for a moment, "wow, what would it feel like to be loved like that? to be loved in such a way that it makes someone physically emotional." it wasnt a fake movie scene, it was two real people and their wedding. it was real life, real love.

i dont dwell on these such things because in reality, i dont feel like im anywhere ready to get married to anyone. but the idea of one day having that, well, its something i do want. it made me think about how i have the capacity to love someone like that. right now, i care about someone very much and i do feel like i love them. for me the issue is that i feel unable to tell them. more, its simply not being able to say the words, "i love you."

i would like to, every day, say "i love you" and know that it was okay. okay to feel that love, okay to say it. It's actually quite painful to feel something and feel like you have to conceal it. I have a hard time believing this man doesnt KNOW that i love him. He would seriously have to be a complete idiot. but it's not enough to just know; not to me. it means so much more to be able to say it and to hear it and to know it.

i am a very expressive person. ive always been extremely caring and fully capable of showing people how i feel about them, good or bad. even now, im sitting here across from this man that i love and im DEBATING inside of my mind if i can tell him that i love him! do i have the guts to open my mouth and speak? i dont. i really do not; and i hate it.

it feels so stupid and should be so easy. why am i so afraid? i really believe it is fear that keeps my lips sealed and my feelings inside of me. im afraid of losing him. im afraid that loving him will scare the shit out of him. i think that by not saying it and just assuming he knows is so much safer. but then i have to consider that if i fear losing someone because i care about them deeply, is this person really worth it?

another sad part for me is i am left to wonder if I'M loved. it isnt a good feeling to be unsure of how someone feels about you. sometimes i FEEL loved but it doesnt compete with hearing it, knowing it for sure. i do want to be told, "cort, i love you." i dont know why that seems so important. can you imagine being with someone almost every day and never hearing "i love you?" what if something happened to them or you... and you die wondering or not knowing with certainty that you were actually LOVED; not just cared for.

maybe im making too big a deal of it all. but maybe im not. i guess i dont really know. all i know is that id rather not be a coward but i dont know how not to be.

i hate old bitches who cant drive

ok so im a little pissed off. back in march, literally like a month after i bought my car, i was in the wal-mart parking lot getting ready to leave. i was parked to the right of a very large truck in one of those parking rows that have two ways. i was parked in the right row, driving away from the wal-mart store and started to back out... i looked all around me and proceeded to back out. as soon as i had stopped and turned my head to look in front of me and just as i was shifting into drive, i hear a nice loud SMACK!

there is a fucking old lady in a topless sebring with the right ass-end of her car pretty much IN my taillight. im thinking, are you fucking kidding me? where did this bitch COME FROM!? she pulls into a spot on the opposite side of the aisle, where she SHOULD have been driving in the direction TOWARDS the wal-mart store to park there. or maybe she was backing out of there?!?! i have no IDEA!!

the only situation that makes any sense as to what happened is this: i was backing out of my spot, this woman was approaching my vehicle from behind, sees a parking spot on the opposite side of the aisle and tries to speedily get into the spot before i fully pull out. Im the most pissed because I WASNT EVEN MOVING WHEN SHE HIT ME! so she tries this maneuver... OR she backed her car out into me, i have no clue. because she was nowhere to be found when i was backing out.

we get out of our cars and im pretty shocked, my entire taillight is fucked up and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her car. im pissed because i just bought my car and i cant believe it. she proceeds to tell me that shes going to call the cops because shes been in accidents (multiple accidents) before where the other driver did not have insurance... i have NEVER been in a car accident before... let alone an accident involving another driver. im pissed because im giving her all my insurance information and now i have to wait for police to arrive. i felt bad for jose because this was all during his lunch break but thankful because he witnessed the entire thing.

when the cop shows up we explain what happened and i mention to him that she might have been driving behind me and decides to basically bust a U-ey to get into the opposite spot. i ask him what the "rules" on this are because this just tells me that this fucking lady is an inconsiderate and shitty driver... who the hell speeds into an opposite parking space when there is someone fucking backing out in front of you... how does she not see me stopped in the middle of the lane??? i was parked aside a very large truck and i dont back out of spaces like speedy gonzalez. this can not have been my fault. there is no way.

the officer writes up the report and basically says that no one is getting a ticket or arrested or anything because no one is "at fault." whatever. im pissed about my taillight but figure rather than getting my insurance involved to pay for it, ill just take care of it when i can.

over the past month or so i have been getting random notices in the mail from some subrogation firm requesting i pay damages of $1500... are you fucking kidding me!?!? im the one with a broken taillight and damage to my car... this lady had not a scratch on her fucking vehicle and she sure as hell didnt require medical attention. she even went shopping after the cop left! what the FUCK is going on?! im not paying anyone fucking anything... especially when i didn't do anything wrong! i did everything you're supposed to do. i have a witness and her driving is BULLSHIT. where the hell does $1500 in damages even come from? and what the hell gives her or her insurance the right to try to make me pay for something that A) wasnt my fault and B) wasnt even damaged! i just dont get it. its not right and its not fair. it makes NO sense.

i needed to vent. I'm just so upset about this. nothing like this has EVER happened to me and im wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else. i sent my necessary insurance information to this company when they first asked for it months ago but now im getting more notices... bottom line is im not paying for something that wasnt damaged and that i didnt damage! UGH!

manipulated once again

I don’t understand how I can be a 25 year old single mother living on my own and still feel like someone is always telling me what I can and can not do. Its frustrating having to compromise the things I either want or need so that I don’t make someone else angry. Riley’s father is so incredibly manipulative and controlling. For some reason he seems to think that his activities (tennis mostly; which he plays anywhere from 1 to 3 times a week) are so much more important than my own. If he isn’t PLAYING tennis then he is hanging out at the tennis courts, dragging Riley along with him pretty much every time.

As of late I haven’t been able to tend many, if any at all, of my Zumba classes. I have been going to Zumba since probably around December of last year. I was introduced to it by Jose’s sister Marisol, and I attended classes basically every Tuesday and Thursday when I could get out of work on time. This never conflicted with Kenny’s ridiculous amounts of tennis. He somehow now seems to think that he’s been playing tennis every Tuesday since before I left him. People, that is OVER 3 YEARS AGO! He tells me that, “you’re Zumba is on Thursdays. I play tennis on Tuesdays.” I can’t help but to think, “when in the hell did you start to fucking dictate my life and tell me on which days I am to exercise!?”

It isn’t just the Zumba. This man literally wants to control every aspect of everything that has anything remotely close to do with something that might affect him. He wants to tell me what time I should get out of work. He wants to tell me to work 5 days a week. He wants to tell me I should go back to school. He wants to tell me who I should date and even then, he will hate every man I attempt a relationship with. WHEN THE HELL IS IT EVER GOING TO END?

Currently, Kenny is dating a woman named Lori. As far as I know they are dating, and I couldn’t care one bit about it. My only concern is whether or not this woman is good to my daughter. Why the hell would I care about anything other than that?

If I had known that having a child with someone would mean that they somehow had CONTROL over my every day fucking life, I would have been more cautious going into this! Why is HE not affected by my distaste for how much tennis he plays or how often he goes out and gets shit-faced? Why does it not work if I just simply say THIS IS WHAT I AM DOING AND THAT IS THE WAY IT IS? Why doesn’t HE bend over backwards not to piss ME off? I always fold, and change what I’m doing for my daughter. At least it feels that way. Sometimes I try incredibly hard to stand my ground and be firm with what I say I’m going to do. But then I just know that I’m going to have to deal with him yelling and screaming and telling me how much I DON’T love my child. IT’S ANGERING!

What would you do? Would you continue to basically let someone else run your life for the sake of your child or being accused that you don’t CARE about your kid?! I continually just do whatever Kenny wants to avoid his bullshit. I know I need to manage and dictate my own life and schedule… but how do I do that and avoid all the crap that comes with it? Any advice or insight would be appreciated!

Thanks for reading!

always moving

i often feel like i just never get to sit down. I know that that is not entirely true but I'm always doing something and its often not even for myself. I'm back and forth between two apartments; always cleaning, always putting something away, doing laundry, or dishes. I need a break. I don't feel like i HAVE to do all these things in both places but I always feel like I'm trying to take the stress off someone else. Someone who works a lot more than i (normally) do and often works 5 or 6 days straight. So i DO just want to help. But, i want help too.

However, I cant say that I haven't been extremely fortunate for other kinds of help. Just this past Friday my paycheck was not deposited into my new account because my company did not get my updated bank information. I had $9.76 in the bank and i cried 4 times that day. Jose took $100 out of the bank as a pay advance so that once my money was deposited, I could just pay him back. He has been so amazing and understanding with my money issues these past few weeks. He has been so helpful and calming to me. I am so grateful.

I guess the Christmas season has just weighed on me, and I am soooo over it. I just cant wait for it to be over already. I want to get back to normal life without the stress of the holidays looming overhead.

Ok, I guess I'm just complaining :) But I'm allowed to... It's my blog and I'll do what I wanna do!

If I didn't already have enough stress...

There just has to be something predominantly stressful in my life. For a lot of people, it's work, or money, or their kids. My most stressful thing in life is my daughter's father. Sometimes I feel like I actually don't hate him... but then when things like tonight happen, I'm reminded that hate is a very strong word and I most certainly HATE that mother fucker.

In my job, during the Holiday season, I work long hour days; anywhere from 7-12 hours. Often I have to work until "close". Which means we "close" at 8 pm but my job is not complete and I cannot leave my place of business until my last customer is out the door and all of my other required tasks are completed. Tonight I had a late-ish customer and then I had to complete a full inventory. I did not get out of work until almost 9:45. Kenny decides to call me around 8:30 or so and ask me what is going on and where I am. I tell him I'm stuck at work and I have to do inventory and I'm not sure when I'll be through. He tells me to come get Riley when I'm done. He calls me about a half hour or so later, bitching and screaming at me because It's late and I still havent picked up Riley. I tell him that I cant just leave work because he wants me to. He keeps yelling at me screaming that im fucking him over and calling me a cunt and all sorts of other things. He wants to go out and now its late and fuck me and im gonna pay for this etc. WHAT THE FUCK! He keeps yelling and hangs up on me and I'm confused because it's vague as to how the conversation ends and I'm unsure if I'm still going to pick up Riley from his house.

I call him back and talking to him is nearly impossible, and pointless. I'm angry and on the verge of crying because he is basically telling me that he's going to do whatever he wants and doesnt care about whether or not I have to work and not to expect "any help" from him. I take this to mean exactly what he is implying. He is going to do something this week to fuck me over and jeopardize my job.

I finally finish up work and start to head over to his house so that I can pick up my daughter. It's late but it's the weekend, it will be only about 10 pm by the time I get there. I actually even offered him dropping her off AT my work so that he could go out and drink and do whatever the hell it was he was so pissed about. He obviously declines, because he is an asshole. I get over to his house and knock on the door. He immediately throws open the door and starts screaming at me and cursing. Meanwhile, I hear Riley in the background crying. I say something loudly for her to hear and kenny flies out of the house and starts to push me with his chest, kind of hitting me with it and shoving me. I tell him not to fucking touch me in any way and he's screaming fuck you, get the fuck out of here, fucking cunt.

I tell him I am not leaving without my child and he needs to calm the hell down. He threatens to call the police and I tell him to. Go ahead. He slams the door and is yelling at Riley to be quiet, stop crying, etc while she is hysterically crying saying she wants to come home with me and that she wants her mommy. I loudly say, it's ok Riley, mommy is still here. He comes out the house again yelling obscenities and threatening to call the police. His neighbor (and landlord) Jim is walking over and trying to say something to me, asking me who has custody and saying that he doesnt want the cops here. I said, great for you buddy, i am not leaving without my daughter, cops or not. She is crying hysterically inside the house for me and Kenny is refusing to let her leave.

After a few more minutes and kenny in and out of the house and more screaming at me, I can hear Riley inside, exhausted and extremely upset, crying to her dad to let her please see me and come with me. Finally he lets her come outside to me and calls me a few more choice names and slams his door. I feel so bad for Riley that he has to put her in such a terrible position. He's angry at me for WORKING LATE, which is fine, what the fuck ever, that's his prerogative, but he's really taking that anger out on Riley by denying her what she really wants- ME!

I'm so frustrated. I dont know what the hell to do with this fucking asshole anymore. He constantly bitches and complains if i am working late or over the POSSIBILITY he might need to keep her with him for an extra night. He gets 3 nights a week and he refuses to take her a 4th at any cost. It's fucking pathetic. I dont get it. I am at my wit's end. Nothing stresses me out more than having to deal with his fucking immaturity and bullshit. He's a 28 year old infant.

i just keep hoping he will grow up... and fast.

Apparently I'm an asshole. Regardless of the things I've said to the people who deserve to hear them, the only thing that stays is words I've written.

My intention was never to hurt anyone that I love and for that i am extremely sorry.

Anyone reading this, if your general thoughts of me as a human being, friend, sister, mother, (or whatever other role I play) are negative or shitty then fuck off. Don't read my blog. Don't think about my words. I don't need, nor do I want, you in my life.

I deleted my previous blog for one reason only. My mother. If What I wrote was going to hurt or affect her in any way then I want to take those words away and apologize. I love my mother more than I thought I ever was able to. Growing up we were not close, and I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with her now for anything. I am not a perfect person or a perfect child and at the ripe age of 25 I'm still learning. fuck everyone; I'm able to admit that. I never want anything I say to affect or hurt my mom in any way. This woman has done so much for me and for my daughter and I will forever be grateful of that.

There are many people who love and care for my child. I appreciate these people for that reason alone. I'm grateful to anyone who shows Riley kindness and acceptance. She is an amazing kid. But I would rather forfeit your presence in hers or my life if your efforts are at the expense of the kind of person you think me to be. There are plenty of people who actually KNOW me and care to know me that also love my child I don't need your negativity around me or Riley. She can do without you too. I'm the most important person in her world and your thoughts or attitudes about me affect my relationship with her. She's the most important thing in MY world and I'm not jeopardizing my relationship with her because you think I'm an asshole.

Maybe I'm a thoughtless piece of shit and I speak before I think. It's always going to turn to the point where I'm criticized for that and told to change. Well maybe in 25 years if I haven't changed or have been unable to, maybe I should be accepted at face value. Cortney acts or speaks before she thinks. Well fuck. Maybe that's how she is. Seeing as she's been this way all her life.

I digress. I'm sick of the way certain people make me feel regardless of whether or not the situation is even ABOUT me. You can't stop your feelings just because someone tells you to. It would be nice but it isn't reality. And if you make me FEEL like shit then I have every right to deny your access and presence in my life. And yes my life includes Riley because well she IS my life. Living and breathing every day.

So I'm thinking that writing this isn't going to matter at all. It's going to be backwards. If I write something good or apologetic it certainly will hold no weight. Only the negative things I write could possibly hold any weight. Otherwise that would mean that the actual words of thanks and appreciation were ignored?!?! How could that be!!! But that's exactly how it will be.

In any case. If any of YOU assholes reading this can tell me where to reach my mother (I've been calling her all morning) it would be great.

Mom, I'm sorry. And I love and appreciate all the things you do. Please forgive my hurtful words.

Random Sadness

Today was a low day. I was irritable and mopey. I know my feelings in no way shape or form had anything to do with Black Friday so that assumption is out.

Today I felt lonely and sad. I dont know what it was but I was a sad grump and though I felt sad, i had little patience and I took it out on my daughter. I was unnecessarily short towards her and I shouted a few times. Jose noticed something was wrong and while he tried to ask me what was wrong, I didnt really feel like talking about it. 

Sometimes I feel like I need more personal attention. More affection. More of whatever it is that makes a person really feel wanted and needed and cared for. But I cant imagine asking for that. I guess I feel like I shouldn't have to ask, maybe I just don't really deserve it or something.

I didn't really want to be alone tonight; In my apartment. I can't entirely explain why. I think I wanted the affection I feel has been put on the sidelines for the past quite a few days or more. I thought maybe for some reason, tonight would be different. 

I'm watching television and I'm by myself and it kinda feels like crap. So I guess I'll close my eyes and just be alone and pretend I'm not bothered by it.

Goodnight internet world. Though I know no one is reading me.

Work Disaster

I'm going to start by saying i love my job. I'm a portrait photographer for the PictureMe! Portrait Studio and I've been doing it since early November of 2007. I was hired in as a seasonal associate. I would be photographing children, and families, and whomever. I would have to sell the portrait collections and take care of customers. When I was hired, I was told it would be a part time position and that after the season was through, I may either be kept on as the part time associate for my home store or I would be let go. Another girl was working there at the time, and she had been there for over a year. The condition of my employment was based on performance. There was the possibility that the other girl would not be keeping her job if I out-performed her. Did I mention I've been in this position for 3 years now??? :)


Over the past few years, we've hired 6-8 seasonal associates, one of which we kept in the other local store. I've seen these associates come and go and many times, they quit. Something about the job is too stressful, too much, too difficult. Usually they quit around the time we no longer need them, which is fine with me, but this year, we have had 6 new hires who were trained only to quit 3 or 4 weeks into the job... let me tell you, IT SUCKS!!!

Every time a new hire quits, i feel like the weight of my job is on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. I'm a single mother. I live in Florida ON MY OWN and really don't have any family that can help me out, especially in the last minute.

In the past 6-8 months I've opened up my availability to this job immensely. My daughter is a full time kindergarten student and her dad works at a local hospital. I can work 4 days a week and maybe 5 but the more people who quit the job they were hired to do, the more difficult and stressful my life becomes because I feel like all eyes are on me to swoop in and work more than I'm able to and spread myself so thin that I disappear.

I LOVE MY JOB!!! It's the most fun and rewarding job I've had so far and I can't understand how other people who are hired in don't love it just as much as I do!!!
I'm currently in training to become a manager; something I'm not quite sure I'm super prepared for but it would be pretty cool to be the boss and run the studio. I'd make my own hours and work when I want to but then, the pressure and responsibility that comes along with it sometimes feels like it would be too much. The money would sure be nice though...

Now that we are in the thick of the Christmas season, there is no way we can hire anyone new right now. Our last new hire just quit like literally TODAY. There is no time to train them and it's too busy to throw someone blindly into this hard work. So right now I guess I have to sit back and wait to see what the hell happens and how much my bosses will try to push me to pick up more shifts that I don't think i can even take.

I hope the season flies by because I don't think i can handle any more!

Blog Virgin

So, hello there, internet world. This is my first blog. Blogger is now the official taker of my online blogging virginity! As we speak, I am preparing a tasty breakfast dinner of pancakes and bacon for my daughter Riley. Riley is 5 and will be 6 on the 29th of this month. All I can think about is how this year has flown by and I wonder where these 5 years have gone. How did she get to be 5 already, loosing teeth, and learning to read?!


Anyways, I wish to add to this blog preferably every week or every few days. I havent quite thought out what will be the main topic or subtopics but I'd like to relate to my readers. I obviously am going to write about what I know. Motherhood, photography, relationships between lovers and friends. Sometimes perhaps I'll just post about whatever random thing happens to be on my mind. In any case, I hope those that find me enjoy what they read and come back for more.


And as the famous Cornelia Clapp would say: "dancing alone in your living room is just as freeing as being the only fish in the sea"

Not really, but.... i tried