i often feel like i just never get to sit down. I know that that is not entirely true but I'm always doing something and its often not even for myself. I'm back and forth between two apartments; always cleaning, always putting something away, doing laundry, or dishes. I need a break. I don't feel like i HAVE to do all these things in both places but I always feel like I'm trying to take the stress off someone else. Someone who works a lot more than i (normally) do and often works 5 or 6 days straight. So i DO just want to help. But, i want help too.
However, I cant say that I haven't been extremely fortunate for other kinds of help. Just this past Friday my paycheck was not deposited into my new account because my company did not get my updated bank information. I had $9.76 in the bank and i cried 4 times that day. Jose took $100 out of the bank as a pay advance so that once my money was deposited, I could just pay him back. He has been so amazing and understanding with my money issues these past few weeks. He has been so helpful and calming to me. I am so grateful.
I guess the Christmas season has just weighed on me, and I am soooo over it. I just cant wait for it to be over already. I want to get back to normal life without the stress of the holidays looming overhead.
Ok, I guess I'm just complaining :) But I'm allowed to... It's my blog and I'll do what I wanna do!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
If I didn't already have enough stress...
There just has to be something predominantly stressful in my life. For a lot of people, it's work, or money, or their kids. My most stressful thing in life is my daughter's father. Sometimes I feel like I actually don't hate him... but then when things like tonight happen, I'm reminded that hate is a very strong word and I most certainly HATE that mother fucker.
In my job, during the Holiday season, I work long hour days; anywhere from 7-12 hours. Often I have to work until "close". Which means we "close" at 8 pm but my job is not complete and I cannot leave my place of business until my last customer is out the door and all of my other required tasks are completed. Tonight I had a late-ish customer and then I had to complete a full inventory. I did not get out of work until almost 9:45. Kenny decides to call me around 8:30 or so and ask me what is going on and where I am. I tell him I'm stuck at work and I have to do inventory and I'm not sure when I'll be through. He tells me to come get Riley when I'm done. He calls me about a half hour or so later, bitching and screaming at me because It's late and I still havent picked up Riley. I tell him that I cant just leave work because he wants me to. He keeps yelling at me screaming that im fucking him over and calling me a cunt and all sorts of other things. He wants to go out and now its late and fuck me and im gonna pay for this etc. WHAT THE FUCK! He keeps yelling and hangs up on me and I'm confused because it's vague as to how the conversation ends and I'm unsure if I'm still going to pick up Riley from his house.
I call him back and talking to him is nearly impossible, and pointless. I'm angry and on the verge of crying because he is basically telling me that he's going to do whatever he wants and doesnt care about whether or not I have to work and not to expect "any help" from him. I take this to mean exactly what he is implying. He is going to do something this week to fuck me over and jeopardize my job.
I finally finish up work and start to head over to his house so that I can pick up my daughter. It's late but it's the weekend, it will be only about 10 pm by the time I get there. I actually even offered him dropping her off AT my work so that he could go out and drink and do whatever the hell it was he was so pissed about. He obviously declines, because he is an asshole. I get over to his house and knock on the door. He immediately throws open the door and starts screaming at me and cursing. Meanwhile, I hear Riley in the background crying. I say something loudly for her to hear and kenny flies out of the house and starts to push me with his chest, kind of hitting me with it and shoving me. I tell him not to fucking touch me in any way and he's screaming fuck you, get the fuck out of here, fucking cunt.
I tell him I am not leaving without my child and he needs to calm the hell down. He threatens to call the police and I tell him to. Go ahead. He slams the door and is yelling at Riley to be quiet, stop crying, etc while she is hysterically crying saying she wants to come home with me and that she wants her mommy. I loudly say, it's ok Riley, mommy is still here. He comes out the house again yelling obscenities and threatening to call the police. His neighbor (and landlord) Jim is walking over and trying to say something to me, asking me who has custody and saying that he doesnt want the cops here. I said, great for you buddy, i am not leaving without my daughter, cops or not. She is crying hysterically inside the house for me and Kenny is refusing to let her leave.
After a few more minutes and kenny in and out of the house and more screaming at me, I can hear Riley inside, exhausted and extremely upset, crying to her dad to let her please see me and come with me. Finally he lets her come outside to me and calls me a few more choice names and slams his door. I feel so bad for Riley that he has to put her in such a terrible position. He's angry at me for WORKING LATE, which is fine, what the fuck ever, that's his prerogative, but he's really taking that anger out on Riley by denying her what she really wants- ME!
I'm so frustrated. I dont know what the hell to do with this fucking asshole anymore. He constantly bitches and complains if i am working late or over the POSSIBILITY he might need to keep her with him for an extra night. He gets 3 nights a week and he refuses to take her a 4th at any cost. It's fucking pathetic. I dont get it. I am at my wit's end. Nothing stresses me out more than having to deal with his fucking immaturity and bullshit. He's a 28 year old infant.
i just keep hoping he will grow up... and fast.
In my job, during the Holiday season, I work long hour days; anywhere from 7-12 hours. Often I have to work until "close". Which means we "close" at 8 pm but my job is not complete and I cannot leave my place of business until my last customer is out the door and all of my other required tasks are completed. Tonight I had a late-ish customer and then I had to complete a full inventory. I did not get out of work until almost 9:45. Kenny decides to call me around 8:30 or so and ask me what is going on and where I am. I tell him I'm stuck at work and I have to do inventory and I'm not sure when I'll be through. He tells me to come get Riley when I'm done. He calls me about a half hour or so later, bitching and screaming at me because It's late and I still havent picked up Riley. I tell him that I cant just leave work because he wants me to. He keeps yelling at me screaming that im fucking him over and calling me a cunt and all sorts of other things. He wants to go out and now its late and fuck me and im gonna pay for this etc. WHAT THE FUCK! He keeps yelling and hangs up on me and I'm confused because it's vague as to how the conversation ends and I'm unsure if I'm still going to pick up Riley from his house.
I call him back and talking to him is nearly impossible, and pointless. I'm angry and on the verge of crying because he is basically telling me that he's going to do whatever he wants and doesnt care about whether or not I have to work and not to expect "any help" from him. I take this to mean exactly what he is implying. He is going to do something this week to fuck me over and jeopardize my job.
I finally finish up work and start to head over to his house so that I can pick up my daughter. It's late but it's the weekend, it will be only about 10 pm by the time I get there. I actually even offered him dropping her off AT my work so that he could go out and drink and do whatever the hell it was he was so pissed about. He obviously declines, because he is an asshole. I get over to his house and knock on the door. He immediately throws open the door and starts screaming at me and cursing. Meanwhile, I hear Riley in the background crying. I say something loudly for her to hear and kenny flies out of the house and starts to push me with his chest, kind of hitting me with it and shoving me. I tell him not to fucking touch me in any way and he's screaming fuck you, get the fuck out of here, fucking cunt.
I tell him I am not leaving without my child and he needs to calm the hell down. He threatens to call the police and I tell him to. Go ahead. He slams the door and is yelling at Riley to be quiet, stop crying, etc while she is hysterically crying saying she wants to come home with me and that she wants her mommy. I loudly say, it's ok Riley, mommy is still here. He comes out the house again yelling obscenities and threatening to call the police. His neighbor (and landlord) Jim is walking over and trying to say something to me, asking me who has custody and saying that he doesnt want the cops here. I said, great for you buddy, i am not leaving without my daughter, cops or not. She is crying hysterically inside the house for me and Kenny is refusing to let her leave.
After a few more minutes and kenny in and out of the house and more screaming at me, I can hear Riley inside, exhausted and extremely upset, crying to her dad to let her please see me and come with me. Finally he lets her come outside to me and calls me a few more choice names and slams his door. I feel so bad for Riley that he has to put her in such a terrible position. He's angry at me for WORKING LATE, which is fine, what the fuck ever, that's his prerogative, but he's really taking that anger out on Riley by denying her what she really wants- ME!
I'm so frustrated. I dont know what the hell to do with this fucking asshole anymore. He constantly bitches and complains if i am working late or over the POSSIBILITY he might need to keep her with him for an extra night. He gets 3 nights a week and he refuses to take her a 4th at any cost. It's fucking pathetic. I dont get it. I am at my wit's end. Nothing stresses me out more than having to deal with his fucking immaturity and bullshit. He's a 28 year old infant.
i just keep hoping he will grow up... and fast.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Apparently I'm an asshole. Regardless of the things I've said to the people who deserve to hear them, the only thing that stays is words I've written.
My intention was never to hurt anyone that I love and for that i am extremely sorry.
Anyone reading this, if your general thoughts of me as a human being, friend, sister, mother, (or whatever other role I play) are negative or shitty then fuck off. Don't read my blog. Don't think about my words. I don't need, nor do I want, you in my life.
I deleted my previous blog for one reason only. My mother. If What I wrote was going to hurt or affect her in any way then I want to take those words away and apologize. I love my mother more than I thought I ever was able to. Growing up we were not close, and I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with her now for anything. I am not a perfect person or a perfect child and at the ripe age of 25 I'm still learning. fuck everyone; I'm able to admit that. I never want anything I say to affect or hurt my mom in any way. This woman has done so much for me and for my daughter and I will forever be grateful of that.
There are many people who love and care for my child. I appreciate these people for that reason alone. I'm grateful to anyone who shows Riley kindness and acceptance. She is an amazing kid. But I would rather forfeit your presence in hers or my life if your efforts are at the expense of the kind of person you think me to be. There are plenty of people who actually KNOW me and care to know me that also love my child I don't need your negativity around me or Riley. She can do without you too. I'm the most important person in her world and your thoughts or attitudes about me affect my relationship with her. She's the most important thing in MY world and I'm not jeopardizing my relationship with her because you think I'm an asshole.
Maybe I'm a thoughtless piece of shit and I speak before I think. It's always going to turn to the point where I'm criticized for that and told to change. Well maybe in 25 years if I haven't changed or have been unable to, maybe I should be accepted at face value. Cortney acts or speaks before she thinks. Well fuck. Maybe that's how she is. Seeing as she's been this way all her life.
I digress. I'm sick of the way certain people make me feel regardless of whether or not the situation is even ABOUT me. You can't stop your feelings just because someone tells you to. It would be nice but it isn't reality. And if you make me FEEL like shit then I have every right to deny your access and presence in my life. And yes my life includes Riley because well she IS my life. Living and breathing every day.
So I'm thinking that writing this isn't going to matter at all. It's going to be backwards. If I write something good or apologetic it certainly will hold no weight. Only the negative things I write could possibly hold any weight. Otherwise that would mean that the actual words of thanks and appreciation were ignored?!?! How could that be!!! But that's exactly how it will be.
In any case. If any of YOU assholes reading this can tell me where to reach my mother (I've been calling her all morning) it would be great.
Mom, I'm sorry. And I love and appreciate all the things you do. Please forgive my hurtful words.
My intention was never to hurt anyone that I love and for that i am extremely sorry.
Anyone reading this, if your general thoughts of me as a human being, friend, sister, mother, (or whatever other role I play) are negative or shitty then fuck off. Don't read my blog. Don't think about my words. I don't need, nor do I want, you in my life.
I deleted my previous blog for one reason only. My mother. If What I wrote was going to hurt or affect her in any way then I want to take those words away and apologize. I love my mother more than I thought I ever was able to. Growing up we were not close, and I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with her now for anything. I am not a perfect person or a perfect child and at the ripe age of 25 I'm still learning. fuck everyone; I'm able to admit that. I never want anything I say to affect or hurt my mom in any way. This woman has done so much for me and for my daughter and I will forever be grateful of that.
There are many people who love and care for my child. I appreciate these people for that reason alone. I'm grateful to anyone who shows Riley kindness and acceptance. She is an amazing kid. But I would rather forfeit your presence in hers or my life if your efforts are at the expense of the kind of person you think me to be. There are plenty of people who actually KNOW me and care to know me that also love my child I don't need your negativity around me or Riley. She can do without you too. I'm the most important person in her world and your thoughts or attitudes about me affect my relationship with her. She's the most important thing in MY world and I'm not jeopardizing my relationship with her because you think I'm an asshole.
Maybe I'm a thoughtless piece of shit and I speak before I think. It's always going to turn to the point where I'm criticized for that and told to change. Well maybe in 25 years if I haven't changed or have been unable to, maybe I should be accepted at face value. Cortney acts or speaks before she thinks. Well fuck. Maybe that's how she is. Seeing as she's been this way all her life.
I digress. I'm sick of the way certain people make me feel regardless of whether or not the situation is even ABOUT me. You can't stop your feelings just because someone tells you to. It would be nice but it isn't reality. And if you make me FEEL like shit then I have every right to deny your access and presence in my life. And yes my life includes Riley because well she IS my life. Living and breathing every day.
So I'm thinking that writing this isn't going to matter at all. It's going to be backwards. If I write something good or apologetic it certainly will hold no weight. Only the negative things I write could possibly hold any weight. Otherwise that would mean that the actual words of thanks and appreciation were ignored?!?! How could that be!!! But that's exactly how it will be.
In any case. If any of YOU assholes reading this can tell me where to reach my mother (I've been calling her all morning) it would be great.
Mom, I'm sorry. And I love and appreciate all the things you do. Please forgive my hurtful words.
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