(I just want to thank everyone who is reading my story and I
hope you are enjoying the ride! I plan to finish out this story in
hopefully one more part so as to see you through to the wonderful
entrance of my dear little Riley! I appreciate the support I have
received, and hope you choose to continue on this blogging journey with
me!)
Well I'll be fucking damned... RIGHT?!?! I didn't see THAT coming. Talk about blindsided. I think i was more shook up than Elvis Presley! But you can bet your sweet ass I was also ecstatic and excited and moved. I was moved almost to joyful tears. So how the hell did this happen? The doctor guesses I had abnormally "high" levels of HcG early in my pregnancy that made us believe I was further along than I actually was. So when I went in for my first ultrasound, my little fetus was not fully formed and could not be detected.
The first and only thing i think i could think of (i know that sounds funny) was HOLY SHIT WHAT IF I HAD HAD THE SAC REMOVED????!!! In essence, I could have aborted my child and never have even known about it. This thought echoed with and haunted me. And I still think of it now as I'm writing this. And while i would never change the fact that I now have the most amazing almost 8yr old daughter, I often thought about how I could have changed my situation.
I was happy about this twist of events and I was prepared to have long heart to hearts with Kenny about our hopes and dreams for the future. Wow, so amazing this news was. But I couldnt have been more wrong. Over the passing weeks and months Kenny started to change. He was becoming more distant. At first he passably played it off as work and school stress but then he started becoming more and more disinterested in accompanying me to doctor appointments, and even refused to talk about baby names...
I didnt get it! How could someone so forcibly impose their thoughts about what they would do If I didnt have this baby, all of sudden be SO uninterested in the actual baby? Did I do something wrong? What was going on? I would remember hearing all about family members or friends getting pregnant, and how their husband or boyfriend or fiance was so doting and loving and involved with the pregnancy and the baby. Then here I was unable to get this man to come to an ultrasound appointment; or talk about what we would name our possible daughter or son. It grew increasingly more frustrating as the weeks dragged on.
Our relationship was changing and I was slowly turning into the victim of Kenny's controlling and selfish behavior. I recall so vividly being somewhere around 5 months pregnant and craving so badly a bag of potato chips. For me, it was a very odd craving as I very rarely ate potato chips and I had been talking about it for a few days. I kept asking Kenny if he would please go out and buy some, but his response was nothing close to that of a loving, caring boyfriend. Instead, he tried to bribe me... he would go out and buy some potato chips... if I would perform oral sex on him. I was disgusted and I felt so degraded, and ANGRY! How could he possibly be serious?! Needless to fucking say, I did not get potato chips.
I really didnt understand what the hell was going on. I faced so much anger and hatred in the beginning of this whole ordeal about whether or not I wanted to become a mother. And all of a sudden, I was the one who wanted to be a parent and I was actually taking ownership of this situation we had gotten into. Not Kenny. It was almost like he had completely changed his mind and without ever having to say so. I became trapped in this vicious place of resentment and I began to fall out of love. It happened ever so slowly and gradually but I could feel it happening. And I started to feel very alone.
In my 6th month of pregnancy, Kenny and I had planned a vacation to visit my family up in Massachusetts. The day our flight was scheduled to leave happened to be the day Hurricane Charley decided to roll through Port Charlotte. It was one of the scariest experiences I have ever been through and I remember being huddled in the bathroom at my dad's house, fearing his long wall of sliding glass doors would blow in at any second. The home we were renting suffered window damage and as we struggled to find plywood to board up our home before our flight, I felt so unsettled. Everything was in such a state of disarray and I look back now at Hurricane Charley as a glaring warning sign of what was to come in my tumultuous relationship with Kenny.
Come to find out, all was not well in pregnancy-land, and I found myself visiting the hospital for 6 hours at a time after every OB appointment I attended. During my 7th month of pregnancy I was diagnosed with having toxemia (aka pre-eclampsia). And every suggestion of "take it easy" that was told to me at previous appointments finally made sense. No one told me how serious a condition I had until after a few 24-hour urine tests where it was determined I needed to be on bed rest. Silly me, I had been working, going to college, and playing your typical Betty Homemaker, that I really was blind to the fact that I was incredibly ill. But even with the loom of bed rest hanging over my head, it made no difference to Kenny. I was still cooking and cleaning and taking care of his bullshit when I should have been feet-up on the couch!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Baby Story: Part Two- Psyche!
I wish I could remember what the nurse said to me... I was laying there, or I was sitting there, i can hardly remember. I was vulnerable and nervous, and I can't even recall what she said. The doctor would speak to me shortly. I wasnt sure if she seemed concerned or if it was standard procedure. But I sat and I waited anyways.
Kenny was there. He waited with me and in came the doctor. She had the results from my pee test and they were off a bit. Apparently my HcG levels (the pregnancy hormone detected in your urine) were very low for a woman who is pregnant. It was a small concern but she wanted to schedule an ultrasound to have a look at my uterus.
I was given some information and made an appointment to be seen again to test my HcG levels and have the ultrasound. I agreed and we left the doctor's office.
My next appointment was fast approaching and I finally got Kenny to find the time to change his schedule to come with me. Off we went to get my tests. The doctor was not very surprised to see that my HcG levels were climbing but they were not doubling like they should. I'm not quite sure how that all works but something was off, so I had the ultrasound.
This is where shit gets real.... HOW COULD THIS BE???
From what could be shown on my ultrasound I had what is called a "blighted ovum". For any of you who do not know what a blighted ovum is, here is a general definition (brought to you by AmericanPregnancy.org)
A blighted ovum ... happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum occurs within the first trimester, often before a woman knows she is pregnant.
In other words, I was technically NOT PREGNANT! ummm WTF?!?! So there I was with my gestational sac and no embryo. An embryo is the fetus, people! The ultrasound showed that there was a sac but my womb was empty, there was nothing inside. I was so confused!!! i was also really sad. All of this anguish and entrapment I had been feeling over the past few weeks felt nothing like what I was feeling in that moment. I had finally gotten used to the idea that I was growing a baby, and that baby would be born and it would be mine. But nope, i guess not!
The doctor told me that I had a few options, well, two options. Blighted ovums eventually pass through your system and expel themselves through having a period and you technically have a miscarriage. This was heartbreaking to me. I was also informed that they could remove it manually with a small procedure to avoid the waiting and the worry. Removing the sac also would give them an opportunity to do testing (if I wanted them to) to try and determine why this happened. In that moment, I felt having an unnecessary procedure to remove something that my body would naturally expel was too much. Partly because I was unsure how I would afford it, and partly because I felt natural was better.
So again, another appointment was scheduled for testing and to determine whether or not I wanted to have the sac removed or to keep waiting.
The next week was strange. And Kenny felt especially strange. I'm not sure what he was thinking or feeling because we didn't really talk about it, but in a lot of ways I could sense his relief emanating around me. I partially had that same relief, yet I was still experiencing a strange sense of loss for a baby that I never really had.
Appointment day... here we are again, a surprising climb in my HcG levels but not a normal climb. Doctor is a little surprised. I hadnt expelled the sac yet and we decided to do another ultrasound. And you will not fucking believe what the nurse finds while she is running that ice cold gel across my stomach. Hello gestational sac.
HELLO TINY LITTLE HEARTBEAT!
where have you been all my life???
There on the screen a small black dot, showing me the beat of my fetus' tiny little heart.
I am pregnant, people. 8 weeks pregnant. No empty sac, an embryo has formed and a heart is beating.
Kenny was there. He waited with me and in came the doctor. She had the results from my pee test and they were off a bit. Apparently my HcG levels (the pregnancy hormone detected in your urine) were very low for a woman who is pregnant. It was a small concern but she wanted to schedule an ultrasound to have a look at my uterus.
I was given some information and made an appointment to be seen again to test my HcG levels and have the ultrasound. I agreed and we left the doctor's office.
My next appointment was fast approaching and I finally got Kenny to find the time to change his schedule to come with me. Off we went to get my tests. The doctor was not very surprised to see that my HcG levels were climbing but they were not doubling like they should. I'm not quite sure how that all works but something was off, so I had the ultrasound.
This is where shit gets real.... HOW COULD THIS BE???
From what could be shown on my ultrasound I had what is called a "blighted ovum". For any of you who do not know what a blighted ovum is, here is a general definition (brought to you by AmericanPregnancy.org)
A blighted ovum ... happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum occurs within the first trimester, often before a woman knows she is pregnant.
In other words, I was technically NOT PREGNANT! ummm WTF?!?! So there I was with my gestational sac and no embryo. An embryo is the fetus, people! The ultrasound showed that there was a sac but my womb was empty, there was nothing inside. I was so confused!!! i was also really sad. All of this anguish and entrapment I had been feeling over the past few weeks felt nothing like what I was feeling in that moment. I had finally gotten used to the idea that I was growing a baby, and that baby would be born and it would be mine. But nope, i guess not!
The doctor told me that I had a few options, well, two options. Blighted ovums eventually pass through your system and expel themselves through having a period and you technically have a miscarriage. This was heartbreaking to me. I was also informed that they could remove it manually with a small procedure to avoid the waiting and the worry. Removing the sac also would give them an opportunity to do testing (if I wanted them to) to try and determine why this happened. In that moment, I felt having an unnecessary procedure to remove something that my body would naturally expel was too much. Partly because I was unsure how I would afford it, and partly because I felt natural was better.
So again, another appointment was scheduled for testing and to determine whether or not I wanted to have the sac removed or to keep waiting.
The next week was strange. And Kenny felt especially strange. I'm not sure what he was thinking or feeling because we didn't really talk about it, but in a lot of ways I could sense his relief emanating around me. I partially had that same relief, yet I was still experiencing a strange sense of loss for a baby that I never really had.
Appointment day... here we are again, a surprising climb in my HcG levels but not a normal climb. Doctor is a little surprised. I hadnt expelled the sac yet and we decided to do another ultrasound. And you will not fucking believe what the nurse finds while she is running that ice cold gel across my stomach. Hello gestational sac.
HELLO TINY LITTLE HEARTBEAT!
where have you been all my life???
There on the screen a small black dot, showing me the beat of my fetus' tiny little heart.
I am pregnant, people. 8 weeks pregnant. No empty sac, an embryo has formed and a heart is beating.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Baby Story: Part One- Criminal
I've been trying to come up with what I want to write about lately and I have just come to the conclusion that I want to tell my story about Riley. My pregnancy and situation after she was born has been a world of crazy, and maybe there's someone out there who can relate. Or maybe everyone else has the perfect baby story and the perfect husband to go along with it. I don't. And it started like this....
It was really late at night. I don't even remember now why I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was probably late. And I probably had that ache in my stomach that told me something wasn't right. I had had no morning sickness or any symptoms of pregnancy. And I think part of me bought the test just to prove to myself that I was just thinking too much.
I was home alone. My then-boyfriend was working an overnight shift (7pm-7am) at the hospital. I had been living with him (Kenny) since November. It was now March. I had been with Kenny for 7 months and things were going well. I believe we loved each other and I was happy. SO, I peed on a stick. And there were two pink lines. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.
I never knew that all of the emotions you have ever felt in your entire existence could be felt at one time and one AT a time over and over again. I was confused, shocked, scared, upset, stunned, worried, and a million other things. I got in my car and put the test in the cup holder and I drove to Kenny's work. When I got there, I called him and told him to come to the car. I had been crying. When he came out and I showed him the positive test, he just looked at me and said, "it's okay. everything is okay."
I didnt feel okay. I went home and I felt so un-okay for the rest of the night. I had a million thoughts running through my head. I just turned 19. I was in college. I had a job. I was in no way thinking about becoming a mother. DID I EVEN WANT TO BE A MOTHER?!?! Im not sure i had ever even put some real thought into that question.
Over the next week I was very verbal about my feelings and very open about the fact that I had options. Telling my mom I was pregnant was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was at WORK when I called her and she was not very pleased. She wasnt angry and she didnt say anything mean or hurtful. She honestly just seemed sorrowed. I still remember her telling me that no matter what I chose, i would remember it for the rest of my life. And she knew. My mom gave up a baby at 18 and it always stayed with her. I'm not quite sure if it was a secret, but when I was growing up, no one ever really talked about it. Not in a bad way, but again, maybe it WAS a secret I wasnt supposed to know about. But i knew, and I would sneak the baby album she kept of my half-brother (adoptive family sent her photos to keep) and I would look at it and think about him. And wonder where he was.
I considered all of the possibilities. I strongly considered abortion. It was probably at the top of my choices and I always went back to it as my main option. I of course thought about adoption but I felt like I might not be a strong enough woman to carry a baby inside of me for 9 months and then GIVE IT AWAY. something about that was very hard for me to comprehend. I thought about NOT being a mother... I wasnt ready. I really wasnt. But it didnt matter.
Kenny had other plans. Every option I considered he countered. If I aborted, he would leave me. If I wanted to give the baby up, he would take it and leave me. If any of my choices involved my not having this baby and being it's mother, he would leave me. I felt so in love and so trapped at the same time. All of my options were not options. they were ultimatums. my head was spinning and I became a criminal. I was an awful, shitty person If I decided I was not ready to be a mom.
The following week we went to the doctors. I had gotten myself to be in the mindset that I COULD be a mom. that I was comfortable with that decision. I was starting to get excited at this notion that I was having a baby with Kenny and I was gonna be a mommy! I made myself change, partly because I was very afraid to lose Kenny... or maybe that was the only reason I felt I had to change... But I started to get happy about it.
Sitting on the table at the OBGYN, I was not expecting to hear what I heard next... How could this be???
It was really late at night. I don't even remember now why I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was probably late. And I probably had that ache in my stomach that told me something wasn't right. I had had no morning sickness or any symptoms of pregnancy. And I think part of me bought the test just to prove to myself that I was just thinking too much.
I was home alone. My then-boyfriend was working an overnight shift (7pm-7am) at the hospital. I had been living with him (Kenny) since November. It was now March. I had been with Kenny for 7 months and things were going well. I believe we loved each other and I was happy. SO, I peed on a stick. And there were two pink lines. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.
I never knew that all of the emotions you have ever felt in your entire existence could be felt at one time and one AT a time over and over again. I was confused, shocked, scared, upset, stunned, worried, and a million other things. I got in my car and put the test in the cup holder and I drove to Kenny's work. When I got there, I called him and told him to come to the car. I had been crying. When he came out and I showed him the positive test, he just looked at me and said, "it's okay. everything is okay."
I didnt feel okay. I went home and I felt so un-okay for the rest of the night. I had a million thoughts running through my head. I just turned 19. I was in college. I had a job. I was in no way thinking about becoming a mother. DID I EVEN WANT TO BE A MOTHER?!?! Im not sure i had ever even put some real thought into that question.
Over the next week I was very verbal about my feelings and very open about the fact that I had options. Telling my mom I was pregnant was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was at WORK when I called her and she was not very pleased. She wasnt angry and she didnt say anything mean or hurtful. She honestly just seemed sorrowed. I still remember her telling me that no matter what I chose, i would remember it for the rest of my life. And she knew. My mom gave up a baby at 18 and it always stayed with her. I'm not quite sure if it was a secret, but when I was growing up, no one ever really talked about it. Not in a bad way, but again, maybe it WAS a secret I wasnt supposed to know about. But i knew, and I would sneak the baby album she kept of my half-brother (adoptive family sent her photos to keep) and I would look at it and think about him. And wonder where he was.
I considered all of the possibilities. I strongly considered abortion. It was probably at the top of my choices and I always went back to it as my main option. I of course thought about adoption but I felt like I might not be a strong enough woman to carry a baby inside of me for 9 months and then GIVE IT AWAY. something about that was very hard for me to comprehend. I thought about NOT being a mother... I wasnt ready. I really wasnt. But it didnt matter.
Kenny had other plans. Every option I considered he countered. If I aborted, he would leave me. If I wanted to give the baby up, he would take it and leave me. If any of my choices involved my not having this baby and being it's mother, he would leave me. I felt so in love and so trapped at the same time. All of my options were not options. they were ultimatums. my head was spinning and I became a criminal. I was an awful, shitty person If I decided I was not ready to be a mom.
The following week we went to the doctors. I had gotten myself to be in the mindset that I COULD be a mom. that I was comfortable with that decision. I was starting to get excited at this notion that I was having a baby with Kenny and I was gonna be a mommy! I made myself change, partly because I was very afraid to lose Kenny... or maybe that was the only reason I felt I had to change... But I started to get happy about it.
Sitting on the table at the OBGYN, I was not expecting to hear what I heard next... How could this be???
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