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Monday, December 6, 2010

Apparently I'm an asshole. Regardless of the things I've said to the people who deserve to hear them, the only thing that stays is words I've written.

My intention was never to hurt anyone that I love and for that i am extremely sorry.

Anyone reading this, if your general thoughts of me as a human being, friend, sister, mother, (or whatever other role I play) are negative or shitty then fuck off. Don't read my blog. Don't think about my words. I don't need, nor do I want, you in my life.

I deleted my previous blog for one reason only. My mother. If What I wrote was going to hurt or affect her in any way then I want to take those words away and apologize. I love my mother more than I thought I ever was able to. Growing up we were not close, and I wouldn't trade the relationship I have with her now for anything. I am not a perfect person or a perfect child and at the ripe age of 25 I'm still learning. fuck everyone; I'm able to admit that. I never want anything I say to affect or hurt my mom in any way. This woman has done so much for me and for my daughter and I will forever be grateful of that.

There are many people who love and care for my child. I appreciate these people for that reason alone. I'm grateful to anyone who shows Riley kindness and acceptance. She is an amazing kid. But I would rather forfeit your presence in hers or my life if your efforts are at the expense of the kind of person you think me to be. There are plenty of people who actually KNOW me and care to know me that also love my child I don't need your negativity around me or Riley. She can do without you too. I'm the most important person in her world and your thoughts or attitudes about me affect my relationship with her. She's the most important thing in MY world and I'm not jeopardizing my relationship with her because you think I'm an asshole.

Maybe I'm a thoughtless piece of shit and I speak before I think. It's always going to turn to the point where I'm criticized for that and told to change. Well maybe in 25 years if I haven't changed or have been unable to, maybe I should be accepted at face value. Cortney acts or speaks before she thinks. Well fuck. Maybe that's how she is. Seeing as she's been this way all her life.

I digress. I'm sick of the way certain people make me feel regardless of whether or not the situation is even ABOUT me. You can't stop your feelings just because someone tells you to. It would be nice but it isn't reality. And if you make me FEEL like shit then I have every right to deny your access and presence in my life. And yes my life includes Riley because well she IS my life. Living and breathing every day.

So I'm thinking that writing this isn't going to matter at all. It's going to be backwards. If I write something good or apologetic it certainly will hold no weight. Only the negative things I write could possibly hold any weight. Otherwise that would mean that the actual words of thanks and appreciation were ignored?!?! How could that be!!! But that's exactly how it will be.

In any case. If any of YOU assholes reading this can tell me where to reach my mother (I've been calling her all morning) it would be great.

Mom, I'm sorry. And I love and appreciate all the things you do. Please forgive my hurtful words.

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