love coward

i was writing this the other day just to get it out and debated whether or not i wanted to actually post it as a blog. im still not sure it's the best idea... but it is my blog and i do have a right to say whatever the fuck i wanna say. dont i? well, here it is.

i was watching tv the other day and there was a wedding scene where the bride comes to the balcony before going to the stairs she is to walk down. it pans back to the groom and there are tears welling up in the corners of his eyes and i thought for a moment, "wow, what would it feel like to be loved like that? to be loved in such a way that it makes someone physically emotional." it wasnt a fake movie scene, it was two real people and their wedding. it was real life, real love.

i dont dwell on these such things because in reality, i dont feel like im anywhere ready to get married to anyone. but the idea of one day having that, well, its something i do want. it made me think about how i have the capacity to love someone like that. right now, i care about someone very much and i do feel like i love them. for me the issue is that i feel unable to tell them. more, its simply not being able to say the words, "i love you."

i would like to, every day, say "i love you" and know that it was okay. okay to feel that love, okay to say it. It's actually quite painful to feel something and feel like you have to conceal it. I have a hard time believing this man doesnt KNOW that i love him. He would seriously have to be a complete idiot. but it's not enough to just know; not to me. it means so much more to be able to say it and to hear it and to know it.

i am a very expressive person. ive always been extremely caring and fully capable of showing people how i feel about them, good or bad. even now, im sitting here across from this man that i love and im DEBATING inside of my mind if i can tell him that i love him! do i have the guts to open my mouth and speak? i dont. i really do not; and i hate it.

it feels so stupid and should be so easy. why am i so afraid? i really believe it is fear that keeps my lips sealed and my feelings inside of me. im afraid of losing him. im afraid that loving him will scare the shit out of him. i think that by not saying it and just assuming he knows is so much safer. but then i have to consider that if i fear losing someone because i care about them deeply, is this person really worth it?

another sad part for me is i am left to wonder if I'M loved. it isnt a good feeling to be unsure of how someone feels about you. sometimes i FEEL loved but it doesnt compete with hearing it, knowing it for sure. i do want to be told, "cort, i love you." i dont know why that seems so important. can you imagine being with someone almost every day and never hearing "i love you?" what if something happened to them or you... and you die wondering or not knowing with certainty that you were actually LOVED; not just cared for.

maybe im making too big a deal of it all. but maybe im not. i guess i dont really know. all i know is that id rather not be a coward but i dont know how not to be.