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Friday, August 17, 2012

Baby Story: Part Two- Psyche!

I wish I could remember what the nurse said to me... I was laying there, or I was sitting there, i can hardly remember. I was vulnerable and nervous, and I can't even recall what she said. The doctor would speak to me shortly. I wasnt sure if she seemed concerned or if it was standard procedure. But I sat and I waited anyways.

Kenny was there. He waited with me and in came the doctor. She had the results from my pee test and they were off a bit. Apparently my HcG levels (the pregnancy hormone detected in your urine) were very low for a woman who is pregnant. It was a small concern but she wanted to schedule an ultrasound to have a look at my uterus.

I was given some information and made an appointment to be seen again to test my HcG levels and have the ultrasound. I agreed and we left the doctor's office.

My next appointment was fast approaching and I finally got Kenny to find the time to change his schedule to come with me. Off we went to get my tests. The doctor was not very surprised to see that my HcG levels were climbing but they were not doubling like they should. I'm not quite sure how that all works but something was off, so I had the ultrasound.

This is where shit gets real.... HOW COULD THIS BE???

From what could be shown on my ultrasound I had what is called a "blighted ovum". For any of you who do not know what a blighted ovum is, here is a general definition (brought to you by AmericanPregnancy.org)

         A blighted ovum ... happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum occurs within the first trimester, often before a woman knows she is pregnant.

In other words, I was technically NOT PREGNANT! ummm WTF?!?! So there I was with my gestational sac and no embryo. An embryo is the fetus, people! The ultrasound showed that there was a sac but my womb was empty, there was nothing inside. I was so confused!!! i was also really sad. All of this anguish and entrapment I had been feeling over the past few weeks felt nothing like what I was feeling in that moment. I had finally gotten used to the idea that I was growing a baby, and that baby would be born and it would be mine. But nope, i guess not!

The doctor told me that I had a few options, well, two options. Blighted ovums eventually pass through your system and expel themselves through having a period and you technically have a miscarriage. This was heartbreaking to me. I was also informed that they could remove it manually with a small procedure to avoid the waiting and the worry. Removing the sac also would give them an opportunity to do testing (if I wanted them to) to try and determine why this happened. In that moment, I felt having an unnecessary procedure to remove something that my body would naturally expel was too much. Partly because I was unsure how I would afford it, and partly because I felt natural was better.

So again, another appointment was scheduled for testing and to determine whether or not I wanted to have the sac removed or to keep waiting.

The next week was strange. And Kenny felt especially strange. I'm not sure what he was thinking or feeling because we didn't really talk about it, but in a lot of ways I could sense his relief emanating around me. I partially had that same relief, yet I was still experiencing a strange sense of loss for a baby that I never really had.

Appointment day... here we are again, a surprising climb in my HcG levels but not a normal climb. Doctor is a little surprised. I hadnt expelled the sac yet and we decided to do another ultrasound. And you will not fucking believe what the nurse finds while she is running that ice cold gel across my stomach. Hello gestational sac.

HELLO TINY LITTLE HEARTBEAT!
where have you been all my life???

There on the screen a small black dot, showing me the beat of my fetus' tiny little heart.
I am pregnant, people. 8 weeks pregnant. No empty sac, an embryo has formed and a heart is beating.

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