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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Baby Story: Part One- Criminal

I've been trying to come up with what I want to write about lately and I have just come to the conclusion that I want to tell my story about Riley. My pregnancy and situation after she was born has been a world of crazy, and maybe there's someone out there who can relate. Or maybe everyone else has the perfect baby story and the perfect husband to go along with it. I don't. And it started like this....


 It was really late at night. I don't even remember now why I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was probably late. And I probably had that ache in my stomach that told me something wasn't right. I had had no morning sickness or any symptoms of pregnancy. And I think part of me bought the test just to prove to myself that I was just thinking too much.

I was home alone. My then-boyfriend was working an overnight shift (7pm-7am) at the hospital. I had been living with him (Kenny) since November. It was now March. I had been with Kenny for 7 months and things were going well. I believe we loved each other and I was happy. SO, I peed on a stick. And there were two pink lines. HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.

I never knew that all of the emotions you have ever felt in your entire existence could be felt at one time and one AT a time over and over again. I was confused, shocked, scared, upset, stunned, worried, and a million other things. I got in my car and put the test in the cup holder and I drove to Kenny's work. When I got there, I called him and told him to come to the car. I had been crying. When he came out and I showed him the positive test, he just looked at me and said, "it's okay. everything is okay."

I didnt feel okay. I went home and I felt so un-okay for the rest of the night. I had a million thoughts running through my head. I just turned 19. I was in college. I had a job. I was in no way thinking about becoming a mother. DID I EVEN WANT TO BE A MOTHER?!?! Im not sure i had ever even put some real thought into that question.

Over the next week I was very verbal about my feelings and very open about the fact that I had options. Telling my mom I was pregnant was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was at WORK when I called her and she was not very pleased. She wasnt angry and she didnt say anything mean or hurtful. She honestly just seemed sorrowed. I still remember her telling me that no matter what I chose, i would remember it for the rest of my life. And she knew. My mom gave up a baby at 18 and it always stayed with her. I'm not quite sure if it was a secret, but when I was growing up, no one ever really talked about it. Not in a bad way, but again, maybe it WAS a secret I wasnt supposed to know about. But i knew, and I would sneak the baby album she kept of my half-brother (adoptive family sent her photos to keep) and I would look at it and think about him. And wonder where he was.

I considered all of the possibilities. I strongly considered abortion. It was probably at the top of my choices and I always went back to it as my main option. I of course thought about adoption but I felt like I might not be a strong enough woman to carry a baby inside of me for 9 months and then GIVE IT AWAY. something about that was very hard for me to comprehend. I thought about NOT being a mother... I wasnt ready. I really wasnt. But it didnt matter.

Kenny had other plans. Every option I considered he countered. If I aborted, he would leave me. If I wanted to give the baby up, he would take it and leave me. If any of my choices involved my not having this baby and being it's mother, he would leave me. I felt so in love and so trapped at the same time. All of my options were not options. they were ultimatums. my head was spinning and I became a criminal. I was an awful, shitty person If I decided I was not ready to be a mom.

The following week we went to the doctors. I had gotten myself to be in the mindset that I COULD be a mom. that I was comfortable with that decision. I was starting to get excited at this notion that I was having a baby with Kenny and I was gonna be a mommy! I made myself change, partly because I was very afraid to lose Kenny... or maybe that was the only reason I felt I had to change... But I started to get happy about it.

Sitting on the table at the OBGYN, I was not expecting to hear what I heard next... How could this be???

1 comment:

  1. I am waiting for the rest...I got this through the plus size FB site

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